An excerpt from the Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows
For Forward and Synopsis of the 'Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows' please go to the following links.
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I know my writings won't be a literature unless I am able to erase or delete the 'I".
Writing is a journey without milestones and destination unknown but treasures abundant and magical!
'I am a little child looking for nothing but happiness.' - Aakash
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16
Friendship is Meant for Sharing
Here
I am again, the wild blue yonder, the void that contains life, contained in
lives.
I am the supreme
darkness!
Omnipresence, my
presence!
Everywhere, blue
or dark!
The
mankind is busy doing nothing or doing everything that it doesn’t know what it
has missed.
Doing nothing,
Not even
thinking anything,
Just sitting
around,
Bird watching,
Wondering, the
colours of nature!
It should be
giving so much of comfort and convenience to the human. But they don’t know.
They are so used to carnal pleasure; they don’t know where the genuine bliss in
life lies.
Just concentrate
on your breath, there is enough of me.
Feel its aroma.
If you are a
smoker, you don’t have the privilege of this beautiful perfume.
Just feel the
warmth or absence of it.
There you go;
just you and me.
Inhale and
exhale,
Slowly; don’t panic,
Feel, hot or
cold, in and out,
Once again,
Inhale and exhale,
Feel!
This is a great
healer - medication, a stress reliever and meditation. Your head will be
lighter and you will gradually lose your fear obviously because you will be
habituated to live in the present. Your soul would be enlightened. And there
will emerge a sort of emptiness within you in the process and that is all me.
Yes
I will generate within you; you will contain me!
Ha!
Ha!
Repeat once more!
This is the day.
He seems very fond of this golden hour, a little earlier than the sundown. And
the shimmering yellow ember of the sunset is a source of inspiration for him.
It is the period of both the battle won and battle lost. It is the
acknowledgement of rise and fall. Aakash doesn’t judge anything. He accepts everything
with open arms.
The
warmth of dusk can be consumed from anywhere.
Beauty
at its best!
Aakash is enjoying
the panorama around the lake. He glances off and away, over and again but also scribes
his feelings in the same brown jacketed diary. He is tranquil but also restless
in the serene of nature. This calmness and self indulgence has always brought
the best in his personality.
He is at the Taudaha,
the Snake Lake in Kirtipur, the only fresh water lake in existence around Kathmandu
valley and a renowned spot for bird watching.
A gentle breeze swaps
circular waves in the stillness of the lake.
A harmony is
resonated.
A flamingo is diving
to catch the fish.
The sharp beak penetrates
to generate more ripples.
There is so much
of solace in the ambience.
Wonderful!
But
is it the 'Calm before the Rain'?
This
distant sun of the October dusk is struggling to wipe out the misty fog. The yellowish orange sunbeam trying to
penetrate the fog radiates a moment of illusion.
The nature is
itself imperfect so how can our lives be strangely perfect.
It is more a
lucid dream.
White cranes are
soaring up high in the blue sky,
Rosy flamingos are
diving to catch their prey,
Green winged
ducks are fluttering their wings to hop your spirits.
The chirping of
birds is everywhere in the air.
This day, this
moment all these birds migrated to the lucky wanderers.
Aakash reflects
his pleasure as if he is the host welcoming all these wild travelers.
Aakash is elegantly happy. He
writes,
“If life were beautiful this way each day!?
,
Yes we deserve to be happy and enjoy the beauty of our lives in our own
terms!
But shouldn’t we be happy for ourselves and about ourselves at first?
When we smile, the world will smile!
If this was our conviction life would have been much easier.
Uff once again!
It looks as if these 'ifs' and 'buts' will not stop persecuting me.
Now I realize, they are the ones who are derailing my solace!
I need to use more of affirmative words and sentences as often as
possible.
Yes,
Should be,
Must be,
Can be,
Maybe!
I need to stay positive.
I must be happy!
No 'ifs', no 'buts'!”
He affirms his
eternal ambition and confers a positive feedback for himself. Then with a long
deep breath, he activates/ sets his mood. He starts writing about the hope of a
Song Sparrow (Melospiza melodia),
that regardless of all the difficulties in life celebrates the rain. There are
pauses and corrections but he knows he has to finish this 'words of
wisdom coated' poetry today.
Indeed when Melody of Rhythm
are wrapped around the little heap of words, they become songs.
And when the Melody of
Life are blended in words, they become poems.
And both can
stand tall even in the absence of meters and are always briefer expressions to
everyday life.
Hope: This Song Sparrow Celebrates the
Rain
Tweeting Thousand Dreams,
Tales of Survival,
Flutters the Wings of Hope,
Feathers, Brown and Black, of Wisdom,
In my Garden of Imaginations,
Green Lawn of Freshness,
The Fabric of Existence,
Chirps a Sweet Song of Struggle,
And hop the Dance of Melancholy Pain,
This Song Sparrow Celebrates
the Rain.
Soared Miles of Independence,
Survived the Frozen Winter,
Thrived/ Blossomed the Wilting
Summer,
Floated the Flooding Rain,
Composed itself Sagging Autumn,
Mysterious Yesterday,
Glad for Today, Gold for Tomorrow,
No doubt, no Complain,
Lived every moment as a New Spring,
This Song Sparrow Celebrates the Rain.
Credit, I pay Every Surviving Tomorrow,
Misery, I suspect Every Joy Today,
Tomorrow, that He Never Have Had,
Today, has no House or Twigs for his Flat, (nest)
Tweets, Songs of Hope,
Hops, Dance of Freedom,
Grateful, Today for Celebration,
Hopeful, Tomorrow for Continuation,
Life for him is a clourful Jubilation./
Lives life with Seven Colours Jubilation
This Song Sparrow Celebrates the Rain.
Orchestrating a
poem is a difficult task. Making it meaningful, brief and easily comprehensible
and full of life is more a difficult task. Yet he would be editing and
reediting these lines later, for sure. As Voltaire said writing is the painting of
voice and maybe he just wanted reverberating Hope for himself and everybody
else.
Finalized 27 Nov. 1999,
Saturday
|
Hope:
This Song Sparrow Celebrates the Rain
Tweeting
Thousand Dreams,
Tales
of Survival,
Flutters
the Wings of Hope,
Feathers
of Wisdom,
In
my Garden of Imaginations,
Green
Lawn of Freshness,
The
Fabric of Existence,
Chirps
a Sweet Song of Struggle,
And
hops the Dance of Melancholy Pain,
This
Song Sparrow Celebrates the Rain.
Soared
Miles of Independence,
Survived
the Frozen Winter,
Thrived
the Wilting Summer,
Floated
the Flooding Rain,
Composed
itself Sagging Autumn,
Mysterious
Yesterday,
Glad
for Today, Gold for Tomorrow,
No
doubt, no Complain,
Lived
every moment as a New Spring,
This
Song Sparrow Celebrates the Rain.
Credit,
I pay Every Surviving Tomorrow,
Misery,
I suspect Every Joy Today,
Tomorrow,
that He Never Had,
Today,
has no House or Twigs for his Flat,
Tweets,
Songs of Hope,
Hops,
Dance of Freedom,
Grateful,
Today for Celebration,
Hopeful,
Tomorrow for Continuation,
Lives
life with Seven Colours Jubilation
This
Song Sparrow Celebrates the Rain.
Aakash Pratap Shah
|
But moments
later, at some distance around premises of the lake, he spots someone indistinct
but likely familiar. The man is lonely. He is desperately puffing cigarettes.
Aakash
recognizes him. He is his own friend Sandesh. Whether or not it is a
coincidence, they have been this far from Lazimpat together before. It is rare,
they be here this chilly Saturday evening. But how can he be this anxious, distressed
and be all alone here? This question drives him towards his friends.
He seizes the burning
cigarette and throws it into the lake without a single thought to spare. The burning
cigarette fizzles out before twirling for its destiny. There were his puffs of
anxiety.
Aakash,
“Aye Dai!
Why have you become so miserable?
Why so lonely?
I have always lived in pain and in spite of it.
But don’t know why I was never lonely.
Either I indulge so much with silence or I have got things to think to
amuse myself!
I don’t know!
These stuffs which I forbid everyone, is not for you to be a victim of!
You should pledge not to abuse them again!
Please quit it for us and your health.
Never depend on dope for any carnal pleasures!”
Sandesh,
“Why?”
As he probe the
motive of his friend, certainly a gloom, irritation and anger is reflected in
his deep voice. Sandesh has never been an interrogative person like Aakash. He
has never inquired into many faces of relationships or life. But for since some
time being, he has been questioning the absoluteness of ideals and outlooks. He
was always a happy go lucky man. But this sudden change in his approach towards
life is hard to digest for anyone. He sounds offended and verbally rude.
“Why shouldn’t I enjoy the superficial pleasure of dope?
Am I the only one who likes to acquire, use and abuse those that are
forbidden by the society?
Do you know what should be forbidden for health?
Hatred!
Greed!
Anger!
They kill people far earlier than the smoke from the cigarette.
,
Society is just an opinion.
It is not a science or an authority which can dictate us right from
wrong, for sure!
,
So who authorized this society to shapes all our desires, wishes and
quests?
Why do we fear it so much?
,
I want to question into the existence of this society.
Why it is that male chauvinism dictates the entire boundary for morals
and ideals in our society?
Are we just not trying to control all the love, sex and respect by the
power of our dominance?
Oh!
It is this reason we bring the bride our homes.
Now I realize why there is so much of love and sex in the doors of
temple and not in our lives.
We just contained them and but restricted them in our lives.
Bigotry!
,
,
Can we not give a proper place for the alleged immoral act forbidden by
the society?
Like some intimacies and connections as Sexual Relationship!
If not we should quit the possibility of all the physical pleasures
right here right now.
We also have to remove those sexual fantasies that are engraved on the
doors of temples.
We must either erase those fantasies or our double standard.
We can’t impose a severe code of conduct of sexual behaviour to women
and avoid them ourselves, can we?
Why don’t we give these necessities a proper respect and the required
boundary?
But is it possible to regulate the heaps of human desires and need?
There have always been different sets of regulations for different
class of men!
Ha! Ha!
That is what this society has been until now.
For sure, it won't change for me.
Oh god!
Save me from this rude, crude and bigot society.
Why do we boast of superiority and wisdom over animals if we are not
able to solve social discrepancies of the society?
What held noble a long ago is right no more.
The faces of realities have changed.
So shouldn’t we update our codes and principles?
,
Has it been possible to restrict the primal needs through the chains of
social orthodoxy?
Humans are so shrewd; they will fulfill their desires by any means.
I am a Bahun!
I seek purity in everything and that has been my quest for living.
If I had pursued truth, I would have been a Brahman today.
I suppose there is a long journey from being Bahun to
transcending to Brahman.
But is it possible to seek purity in human body full of desires and
libidos?
Can this body, a diffuse of two gametes during an ugly sex, be pure and
unadulterated?
Can vaginas be purely virgin?
How then?
Even though, I am not an idealist!
Silence is not heard and so were my intentions!
I have always intended be – Run Hard, Fuck Hard!
I am a double standard person from deep inside.
I always emphasized a protocol imposed by the society; women should be
pure.
I wanted to fuck every woman but desired a virgin wife for me.
My sub-consciousness is so shrewd.
It can deal bargain with my unconscious and conscious ideals so that I
can enjoy the pleasures of life and no one is even aware of that.
I know what I am inside; cruel and inconsiderate.
I am very selfish; I have always interpreted things on my convenience.
There are tons of crude desires for all found physical pleasures.
,
But my greed now is to accept the reality and embrace the new found
pleasure called Love.
I don’t care purity anymore.
He! He!"
Sandesh stops for a moment and checks whether
Aakash is listening his confusions. He continues.
"…
Now I intend a practical Love above every other pleasure in life.
Can this pleasure of Love curtain all the lusts of my life?
This love should be available in its purest from rather than three years of mental solace in platonic love.
Can a lustful beast like me is allowed to debate about the purity of
anything?
Does love really exist in its purest form called Prem?
Where is it found then?”
Sandesh pours
his feelings, bitterness, confusion and even aspirations. He was trying to
connect to Aakash like an emotional leader trying to influence his subjects and
the expectation of people through speech and lead them for a common goal. But it
was more of inquiry than convictions and commitments. He is confused as his
adolescent friend.
Aakash,
“Most of the times, things that are banned by the society were good for
the society at that time, but may not be now!
They should be updated.
The reality is – double standard is social standard now!
We are not absolutely able to judge ethics and ideals because they are
attacked by different interests continuously.
Indeed they are abstract constructs and it is difficult to separate
right from wrong!
,
I am very naïve about morals and ethics!
But what was the topic of this whole conversation?”
He has few but complementary
answers to Sandesh's question.
The declarations
by Sandesh were so long and puzzling due to excess use of idioms and metaphors
that Aakash forgot the initial context of discussion. Aakash was requesting his
friend not to indulge in unhealthy coping mechanism but the discussion took a different
course and got jammed in the divergence of ideals, morality and purity.
No one knows the motive behind
such a long discourse. But it seems Sandesh is not deterred stop questioning.
“Why?
Why can’t the hunger for food, love, sex, and power be healthily addressed
so that we don’t become addict?
Why not?
What about the entities that suffocate your soul and scrape your heart?
And that which corrodes your character and dampen your morals?
Hunh?
,
Do you have any answers?”
Aakash is baffled. Sandesh is
certainly in the mood for debate. Sandesh punches more questions without
expecting any answers. Aakash was not ready for this chunk of question. He
looks overwhelmed but has to answer.
“Well!
It would be very difficult to produce a list that broke my heart and
gave me pain.
The list would be long, for sure!
But I can produce a small list that made me smile and gave me joy!
You know life
is a beautiful game to play if we lead it, otherwise when life leads us it’s
just a nightmare.
We have to lead the life!
We will decide whether we want to be happy or not!
But Yaar why are we so much into such temporal debate?
Shouldn’t we be living this life and deciding what it is and what it is
not?
Let's start living!
I am already fed up with so much of sorrows in life.
Let’s live the life to the fullest, let’s share ourselves.
No Guilt, No pain.
Glad for Today and Gold for Tomorrow!
Let's live like a bird!
There was no yesterday and there will be no tomorrow.
,
,
Earlier you used to have these convictions about life.
And, I inducted myself with your convictions.
So tell me what happened?
Why are you so gloomy?
,
Share what is eating you!
,
Why are you so annoyed and anxious?
Let’s divide your grieves!”
Aakash pleads
for sharing rather than answering his questions. He approach is practical.
However it seems both friends have deviated from the real issue.
Sandesh, almost crying but very
much embittered.
“I am devastated my friend!
I am ruined.
There is nothing left for me!
No hope, no light!
She was the only one I prayed for, ever wished for.
But, here it is the truth, the plain ugly truth.
There are no twists, turns, drama and subplots yet this truth is
devastatingly attractive.
I cry and cry.
But at the end there is a sort of relief for this extraordinary
achievement of bearing this truth!
I never thought I could endure this amount of pain!
And there is a moment of loneliness when I am not able to collect the
pieces of myself.
There is so much gloom!
I can’t describe my pain!
This shouldn’t have happened!
That shouldn’t have happened!
This should have happened this way, that way!
I shouldn’t have done this or that!
,
My bad luck; now I am mulling over the options that could have existed
in the past.
Oh living in the past is so annoying and difficult.
All ‘If’ and ‘But’, ‘This’ or ‘That’!
They are whirling my mind over and again.
They have strummed those chords of my memory and overwhelming me with
the pain.
Yes I am deeply hurt and utterly lonely.
All I want is howl to the loudest possible.
Am I allowed to do that being a man?
She talked so much about sacredness, purity, morals, etc.
She was just trying to fool me and conceal her coveted desires.
The more a woman tries to prove herself, the lesser chances that she is
pristine.
What they talk the most is what they readily or painfully avoid!
Yes, I am talking about women, those cold stacks of emotions.
All women are the same; hungry souls.
Ha! Ha!
You know women need more of us than them.
They are safe with us than with other women!
Do you know the other reason?
They have a smaller circle to interact and we men obviously have a
larger circle.
Of course we have a broader outlook.
But I know life has always been difficult for women, particularly in this
third world.
We have to accept that.
They have to pretend which they are not.
They always talk about sexual conducts and puzzle our perceptions about
them.
Sex has always been scarce in their lives and has tainted their characters
time and again.
So they are either hiding it too much or talking against it.
The society won’t let them express; their dignity would be lost!
They know that.
I am a man of conscience.
She can’t confuse me anymore.
Maybe she loves me and so has unlocked her truth and deceptions.
But I have to praise her guts.
It would have been worst if I had gripped her red handed.
No, no, no!
She was not cheating on me but refrained from telling the truth.
Would you like to listen to the irony of my life?
I don’t know if I am falling I am rising in this love.
I don’t know how far I would be walking together with her!
But I know, I am a man with patience and
not a restless rebel!”
Sandesh calmly stares at the
horizon and lit another cigarette.
“Why?
Tell me clearly what happened?
Just don’t punch me with the metaphors.
Now you and your silence have already become irritating to me.
And the little intelligent person in me can't understand anything!”
This has really
become a Puzzle Day for Aakash and he seems annoyed.
Edit 1 @ 23.11.2073/ 06.03.2017
Sandesh, in his ultra deep voice,
looks amazingly serious.
“I don’t want to sound rude but just came to know the reality.
She is a prostitute; a call girl fucking for money.…
She even manages to work for carpet factory at the day time and earns a
minimal monthly salary!
That part time job stops her from being questioned or harassed!
That is all what she said!”
“What?
Have you gone crazy?
Is this the way you address your woman?
,
Oh ho!
You wanted to disgrace her because she rejected your proposal, is it?
You needn’t pretend so much on morals and ethics just to humiliate her!
I can understand your frustrations.
Grapes are sour, is it?
Or is it that have you parted away?”
Sandesh looks pale
and glow less.
“No! No!
Why would I try to defame her?
She is the love of my life!
And we were really never together.
If we can call it a dating, it is just dating.
,
But,
She revealed the reality herself.
Yes, she is a professional sex worker.
On demand escort, an expensive one!
Oh...no shit!
What I am saying?
In this resource scarce third world no woman has a different class.
If you are lucky, you get a lover and if you are not, you get a hungry
woman.
It took me very long to accept this fact.
The place where we used to meet at evenings was one of the rally points.
She would be escorted to her clients by an agent, who happens to be her
own distant relative.
Sometimes she would be picked up by her previous clients.
,
Whatsoever she is a lovely lady and has a warm heart.
Though!
She has a long sad story to tell.
A stale heart to reveal!
She lost her father at a tender age of 6.
He was suffering from tuberculosis!
I don’t know if it is true but she says that drinking too much of Chhyang
and avoiding food was the cause of his death.
When she was 14,
there was a landslide in her village that lies at border between Dhading and Nuwakot
district.
She lost her mother and elder sister, who had come to stay at the mother's
house during pregnancy.
Five were reported to be dead and there were many injured people.
They never found the dead body of her mother and other 3 living in the
same vicinity!
Everything was doomed!
Back in those days there was not a clear provision of compensation for the
victims of natural disasters other than a little sum for cremating dead bodies.
The irony is that, death rituals in her community are way more costly
than other celebrations.
The villagers were uprooted from their place of origin.
Everyone had suffered the same fate.
And no one was capable to help
her financially or provide any emotional support.
That was the tyranny of calamities in back old day.
It was the July
1993 / Ashad 2050 B.S.
She was brought to Balaju, Kathmandu
on August by a distant relative in the pretext of helping his wife with household
chores and pursuing
her studies.
She joined grade 8 in Kathmandu.
She was raped by the same uncle two months later who came home drunk
during Tihar when his wife was not at home.
Then a series of mishaps happened in her life.
At a tender age of 14 she was again forced to work for carpet factory
for 18 hours a day.
She was persecuted by this uncle everywhere.
Her earnings were confiscated every month.
Completing school was a far dream because after factory, she had to
help her aunt in their household chores.
She was only allowed to sleep lesser than 4 hours a day.
Then again there were household chores to complete.
She has to go to work too.
And this beast would molest and rape her if found alone; anywhere, anytime!
He would repeat his heinous act everyday when his own 3 daughters, of the
same age and wife not around.
Her uncle was indeed a monster but her Aunty was no better.
She was always suspicious of this or that.
Many times she accused her of theft.
She used to beat her and restrict her meals whenever annoyed.
She would close the door of the house if she didn’t finish her chores.
They were poverty class people who lived in a rented house in a slum
like locality.
People from the whole vicinity were poor and always fighting among
themselves for trifle necessities and ego.
They would work the whole day, come home frustrated with a little
income and beat their children and wives.
Fighting among the slum dwellers were always a huge possibility.
Her aunt used to fight with every other tenant in the house.
Bitching, bickering and leg pulling were all in abundant.
Edit 1 @ 24.11.2073/
07.03.2017
It used to be either cold winter nights or hail and thunderstorm
trodden Saturdays when she was barred an entry into the room.
Oh, the aunt was particularly envious of her budding youth; she was not
able to deliver a son.
Someone had to spark the aunt's ego and she would vent all frustrations
on her.
None of the tenants liked her.
She was an arrogant, ugly and a very mean woman, never at peace with
self or with anyone else.
She despised her own degenerate body and was always complaining about
the regressive nature of youth.
Life has never been easy for women and for women without protection in
the society it has always difficult!
After the restoration of democracy in April 1990, there was so much
influx of people from the rural areas that Kathmandu had became a city of disorder
and poverty
There was no such as grace.
It had become an ugly dumping site.
Budding towns and cities have always been a warehouse of apathy,
scarcity and conflict!
Just!
One day, when just 17, by her own grit and determination, she escaped
that hell of that 4 walls.
She confirms, violence had a chronic physical and psychological effect
on her life.
She says her emotional life had become blunt and cold.
However, escape was just to become one of the solution and not the
freedom for her
She has been living on her own, technically!
But life has been differently difficult since then.
She was used and abused by a lot of people.
They knew she had no one to defend or to protect her.
Loneliness and darkness haunts her.
She thinks she is persecuted by two eyes everywhere and then.
She always wished the company of people to drive away her fear and be secured.
But she chose wrong people and the wrong crowd.
People took advantage of her, physically and financially, promising a
stable life, work and other opportunities.
Very complex and everything is hard to describe.
She underwent to abortion by the pressure of her aunty at the age of 15
and had a miscarriage at 17.
She was a chronic patient of urinary tract infection since long time.
And finally, her profession, which always had the risk with sexually
transmitted disease, the low socioeconomic status and her lifestyle took a toll
on her health.
And barely 18 and her uterus had to be removed because of cervical
cancer!
Oh!
What a hell has been her life.
May such ordeals exempted even to the enemy.
I suggested her to report the atrocities by uncle and aunt and many
other people to the police.
I was awestruck to what she said -
‘Well a lot of people hurt you
throughout your life.
You can’t revenge them all.
So forgetting or ignoring is all
you can do.
You have to move.
Thanks I am alive.
At least this way, I safeguard my
solace!
I don’t know why we women are
always ready for suffering, more than you men do!’
She fears a lot.
The irony is that even though she had suffered a lot from the hands of
her own people, she said she doesn’t believe a single person from outside of
her community or ethnicity, as the likes of me!
I now feel why she was always trying to avoid me!”
The gray aura on
Sandesh's face reflected a gloomy and docile side of him. He takes a long deep
breath with a grave silence on his eyes not out of consolation of having
completed his Cinderella’s Story but weary about his next move in
life. Suddenly his eyes are flooded with tears. He covers his face with the
palms of his hands and starts to weep.
Aakash turns wise to counsel his
friend.
“Don’t weep please.
You are a warrior.
Everything happens for something good.
Everything would be fine.”
A bit annoyed, Sandesh,
“How?
When?”
He seems to have been hopeless.
Aakash,
“Everything happens at the right nick of time!
All you can do is, wait!”
Sandesh,
“Did the right time ever come for you?”
Suggestions and
help best be offered, when requested. Aakash didn’t remember that quote and he is
embarrassed too. Sometimes it is best to let people mourn because any sort of
intrusion, even like a friendly counsel, can be counterproductive.
Aakash is also a
reactive teenager. He burst into angers and gives a furious look at this
friend. However the anger subsides down instantly because his friend is bigger,
brother and a compassionate person he adore.
“Yes, it never came to me because I was a stupid
trying to find my happiness in them.
They decided to stick on their hostilities
and I am here lonely yearning for gold of happiness.
But, your case is different.
You are free to decide, accepting her or abandoning
her.
Until now no third person is involved in
your affairs.
If you rest your quest for physical purity –
called virginity, she is yours, otherwise not.
It is just your mind to speak your heart
and you take into effect your decision.
Whether or not, you will decide.
My story has been different than yours and
you can't judge me through your lens!
You know that?”
This moment seems frozen. There
is a dead silence for a brief span of time. But again Aakash continues.
“Well it’s really not good to advice people particularly on personal
issues as love and affairs.
I am sorry my brother!
I shouldn’t have done that.”
Aakash admits.
Sandesh,
“Why?
Then, who is going to advice and suggest me?
Don’t be embarrassed.
It is your warmth that you intended to advice me.
You are no enemy.
You are my friend and brother!
,
Bitter, but what you said is the truth.
Indeed your story is different from mine!
And this is the way of friendship; to speak truth and only truths even
it offend us for some time.
Thank you for being my guide and counsellor!
I would need more of that!
Advise me whenever, whatever!”
Aakash, a little bit encouraged,
“You really made my day Dai!
Until this day, I thought I was the most miserable person on this
planet and…
You told me this story of your girl and suddenly I realize that I am
luckier than a lot of people around because you are there who trust me.
Thank you again.
,
So my dear brother has a inter caste love story to tell, I suppose.
By the way what is her name?”
Aakash is delighted and Sandesh is blushed.
“Her real name is Tshering Dolma Tamang.
But she loved being called Meera and I prefer that name!
Easy, sweet!
,
Sandesh and Meera!
Wow!
Gazab!
Hah, these name sounds made for each other, isn’t it?
It will be a good match like Lord Shiva-
Pārbati!
If you look at her, she looks all mountainous!
Tall, pink, white and a bit rough!
My description about mountain is correct, isn’t I?
He! He!”
He tries being funny and
continues,
“It’s true that I love her by all my heart and soul.
But I know I am a society fearing animal.
I have been.
,
,
The society around will dump me.
,
Let them dump!
,
But this society has a trap; if we are not inside it we are nowhere.
And what will we do when we have no place and backup here in the
society?
,
Moreover, how can I convince my widowed mother?
She is will for sure ask about Mira's family, caste, class, honour.
She would want to interact with her community.
I can't pretend over her every inquiry.
So what would I do?
And there are a lot of people in my own community, who would readily despise
and restrict my conservative mother in their celebrations and gatherings for her
son marrying an out of caste women.
I can ignore but she won't be able to because all her life she had
lived in the shade of this community.
My poor mother, she won’t be able to withstand all these grieve all
alone at this age.
After my big brother, who left the house with his wife and two of the
elder sisters, who got married, I am her only hope!
But, to tell you the truth, I am in dilemma myself.
And most of the times these day I fear that I will not be able to stand
my society.
I am… not ready for the test!
There is my mother, there are people observing and expecting thing
about me.
They expect that I join a permanent government job as soon as I am a graduate.
I have not achieved anything for me, Mira, my mother or this society
that has a ruler to judge me.
If that is the case, what will I do?
What should I do?
Why is it that a woman either in brothel or in your home as a sister,
mother, wife or anyone in your brother's arm doesn’t command equal respect?
I know our society is very complex but when it comes to caste, marriage
it is contradictory as well.
Fuck!
You may be influenced by me but never fall for inter-caste affairs
unless both of you know everything about each other and can accept each other
beyond any arguments.
If you want to exemplify your nobility, better not through marriage because
this institution is least for exhibition.
The wavelength of love and aspiration for future should match.
I suggest, if otherwise don’t opt for this sort of matrimony.
I don’t know if I can extend my affair until I become fit for marriage.
Or, if I let her the way she is, there is least chance I would ever
marry her.”
Sandesh discloses his dilemma.
“If you love her, don’t let her.
If you don’t love her, stop being fake!
Let her go!
She would be happy by herself.
Decide, and decide quickly otherwise you would be going to hurt a lot
more people than you imagine.
And I see marriage could be the best option because you will not want
her to go back to the past life.
,
Procrastination will stack tougher problems and heaps of them!
The quicker the better!”
Aakash tried to
be a practical counsellor but also proposed a seemingly abstract solution.
He
is a poet!
A sparkling silence
transpires. Time to come will clarify which face of the reality Sandesh will embrace.
He is yet to appear any acid test.
Love first?
Or duty first?
For sure, these lads
have become way more thoughtful than their age. But the discourse was very long
may be because they are still in the age of confusion.
Ba`hun
(afx'g)
– A
person from the Aryan race in Nepal. He is considered to be in the upper caste
and hierarchy of the society. And they are assigned to the priesthood. They are
sometimes considerate as Brah`man (a|fDx0f) – the pursuer of
truth, which they are not.
Chhya`ng (5fofË ) – Local Nepali rice beer
Aun`ty (cfG6L ) – Aunt
Ga`zab
(uha) - Fantastic,
awesome
Shi`va
- Par`vati (lzj
kfj{tL ) In Nepal both Vedic Sanatan (often
referred as Hindu) and Kiranti worship various
incarnations of Lord Shiva and his
wife Goddesses Pārbati (also called
Shakti). Pārbati is the daughter of Himal (lxdfn,
a mythological person), the King of Mountains.
