An excerpt from the Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows
For Forward and Synopsis of the 'Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows' please go to the following links.
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I know my writings won't be a literature unless I am able to erase or delete the 'I".
Writing is a journey without milestones and destination unknown but treasures abundant and magical!
'I am a little child looking for nothing but happiness.' - Aakash
"Obviously the first goodness starts with
the kindness in children."
"Flip to the other half of the truth.
Like – When a women is epitome of love and
warmth, she commands a respect and she is the mother Goddess."
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Chapter 44
Life in the streets of Kathmandu
44
Tick!
Tick!
Tick!
Tick!
Tick!
Evening on the same
6th April, 5:30 PM!
When life is in
hurry, time becomes a panic bomb!
Tick!
Tick!
Tick!
He has reached the
Nag Pokhari, the snake pond at Naxal and is directed towards the South Gate of
Narayanhiti Royal Palace. Finally he has reached DurbarMarg, the king's way.
As was always, there
is overwhelming sprint of vehicles. He is totally sloshed and it is already
evening. The innumerable vehicles seem rushing in a time lapse series. The
stray cattle's sitting-ruminating-shitting anywhere-anytime have created innumerable
hurdles causing delay in already delayed traffic.
The commuters are returning home
from a long-hectic day at work or anywhere.
They look so exhausted and crunched
because of the difficulties of day to day life they have to endure.
As a commoner, they have hundreds
of complains to lodge against the government and against other people as well.
The old black jacketed Bikram Tempos
are roaring with their sooty-peppery-pungent smoke.
The devil has come through the same
way as everything they had wished for.
Modernization has its cost!
There are enough of frustrations whirling
the drivers to push the accelerators and blow the horns.
They seems enjoying terrifying the
pedestrians.
The innumerable vehicles and their
noises, the inability of the driver to reach somewhere in time, the pollution
everywhere and too much of self importance are irking them more than before.
The haze of smoke, horn of vehicles
and the tired creatures rambling among the sufferings of urban grandeur radiate
a collage of hopelessness and helplessness.
There seems no dream to live for.
If there were no lights of
different hues from the rushing vehicles, the atmosphere could have already
been labeled as gloomy and dystopian-ugly.
And there seems some hope creeping on
the orange horizon.
But again,
The darkness of the night is crawling into the ambience
like a black panther ready for a monstrous attack.
It can rip up your solace.
He is walking on
the pavements of the road by the side of a café and opposite to a hotel's
entrance.
And suddenly he
hears a loud shrilling cry. It pierces through his gloomy frame of mind shattering
his wayward concentrations.
"Aama Ho Aama!
Mother O Mother!
Am hungry!
O mother!"
This
butch head girl is hiding her face under her two knees and pleading for food in
her topmost voice. A hesitant crowd plunged in their own worries walk past this
girl clad in black trousers and grey thin sweat shirt. No one wants to take a
problem cum responsibility home and feed it. Some even dare to glance back at
the girl with compassion but they know they are helpless.
The
crowd has always been interested in rare sensational stuffs. Hunger is not one
of them because it is the everyday of many people around the world. 'Hunger
Free' is just a badge of honour for some self important organization and people.
And there seems no alluring-spicy looks or presence about her. Probably most
people shower compassion to better looking people. And most people never read and
contemplate over the expressions or the theme of a life or a book.
And
maybe they could have thought her playing prank games to dupe the passerbys. However
no one knows. And no one is concerned. Their own grieves fare traumatic than
that of anyone else.
Aakash
gazes her for quite a bit of time. His droopy-drowsy eyes seem divine red. As
he is standing at the center of the pavement, every passerby is annoyed as they
have to skip him, his smelly presence and good or bad intentions. Most of them
didn’t spare a sympathetic look or even acknowledged the presence of this girl
but seemed extremely bothered by the presence of this hurdle-boy. Their frustrations
are unbearable at the moment.
Apathy
is the badge of everyone for the moment!
It is
the name of the crowd.
Like
everybody else, he also walks off the scène. Suddenly there is a strange
silence among the rushes. But there is also a buzz of slow moving hurricane
whirling the ambience. There is an utter loneliness of disappearances. The time
seems to have frozen. Everyone is moving away from this locked down frame. But
again within 5 minutes he reappears in the scene; now holding a plastic bag
with his left hand. He pats on her shoulder.
"Bahini!
Don’t cry!
Here, some food for you!"
He
hands the plastic bag having a pound of bread and a packet each of biscuit and
noodle. She looks at her sloshed saviour with immense gratitude as she takes
the bag.
He
then takes out a chunk of money bills from his right pocket.
"Keep this money and buy some hot
meals!"
The girl is surprised and thankful to his
benevolence.
"But you may need it!
You look hungry like me.
It seems you haven’t eaten for many
days!"
She
is a compassionate person herself who could have been lost in the luster of
city lights.
Aakash,
"Ha! Ha!
I am sloshed and was always like this!
I could be as tall as 5 feet.
No more!
No less!
Ha! Ha!
,
,
I am not hungry for food!
There is enough of it in my house!
I am hungry for love!
I am a little child looking for nothing but
happiness!
From now onward, I may not even need any
material comfort or bills to buy food or happiness.
So keep it!
This better be yours!"
He
walks away. Probably, he doesn't want to confront any more questions or stand a
trial for any justifications.
He doesn’t
want to stop there.
He seems
in a hurry to find answers to all his questions.
As
he walks 100 meters ahead, he sees a group of street children enjoying their
own naughty-witty twists and acrobatics. For sure, it is not any of folk or
modern dances from the South Asian sub continent. Their endurance, flexibility,
tap dance, acrobatic jumps, freezing moves seems very new in the dancing
circle. It could be a Nepali style b-boying or b-girling with a combination of mimicry
of various Nepali and Indian actors after the freezing moves. The crowd is
cheering for their break moves and shakes. Some spectators are even hurling
their donations towards the center of their dancing platform.
He looks back;
the girl has already disappeared among the crowds. She could have meant to be
somewhere.
This
group of 6 streets children, consisting of only one girl and all aged 11 to 14,
seems seasoned jostler/ If reactions of bystanders and passerbys are looked
they certainly have created a surprise and drawn considerable attention.
Tourists amazed at their hip hop stunts are taking the pictures. They have
really put a relief and smiles on the crowd returning home after an exhausting
day.
The
crowd is seemingly getting sparse as it is already 6 PM, darker than earlier.
By the end it is only Aakash who is watching their performance. He is trying to
synchronize his tempo with their beats and movements. For a moment he is
finally out of the grief of his past. He should have been tired and disgusted
with his past. He could have considered living in the present.
No more!
He is loud this
moment and with his movements!
He tries to imbibe
those dancing twists but not to that great perfections.
Music elicits
emotions and dances helps to work on those emotions.
Music and dances
has always been therapeutic.
The whistling of
the winds is the music of the moment!
He is swinging in
full volume.
DurbarMarg and
adjoining vicinities are referred to as city hubs of Kathmandu. They can always
boast of crowd unlike other cities which are just honorary designations give to
the developing towns. However it is not so today. It is getting thinner and
thinner/and the road beyond Ratna Park are virtually empty.
This
evening can't be considered an evening of the spring season. There is a certain
chill and certain contrast but uncertain and unstable appearances. The
smoky-polluted hazy Kathmandu has no perfect evening. It was always grayish and
depressing further gloomed today by the silence of birds returning home.
It
can always be monotonous here in Kathmandu. People are always in hurry to
return back to their cozy homes if they have or a cozy pub if they haven’t one.
Both people and the evening can be extremely vulnerable. It is a vulnerable
evening because these people have come out and dared to change the course of
their lives. They have aligned themselves into a different track. Many years
can be hopeless when one stops dreaming. Then people get used to not having
aspirations in life. Monotony is such an addiction. Probably they have started
dreaming again on this day, this very moment.
Hail!
A
blue mimosa tree on the sideline of the road could have sensed his sadness. It could
have dropped this blue flower for his support. Or who knows, it is already the
season when they shed their flowers and leaves, hopes and aspirations. The
purple of mimosa is meant to be the delight of winter and it eventually sheds
in the spring. Change is the only permanent event to happen in life.
And the fact that happiness is ephemeral is not accepted
by many people.
A
boy with dark brown complexion and a blunt nose to express his happiness and
miseries, looking perfectly like a little 8 year old but with a croaky voice of
12 year old adolescence, appear in front of Aakash. He fires a sharp question.
"I assume Dai is also Jhyaap like us!
Are you not sloshed?
You look!
You smell Top'h!
If you have some weed, booze or any other stuffs
that is able to swing our moods share with us please!
We need some aspirations to hop and twist
our bodies!
Laugh is free for anybody here!
Obviously we don’t dance that too well.
Ha! Ha!"
Edit
1 @ 16.10.2074/ 30.01.2018
This
little bunny seems already dried up with some sorts of dope. His bluish dry
lips, starved face, underdeveloped chest, lean-sticky legs and small body
stature reveals he is an addict of street junks as glue named dendrites. There
is humility in him but with enough of rage in his belly and determination in
his eyes. His smile reveals he has perilous suffering to reveal. However it
seems he doesn’t want to waste his complaints because he has so much freedom to
enjoy. He just ignores every menace that life has bestowed upon him. He works
for himself and lives for himself. There are no guardians to restrict him. Whatsoever
dirty rag he is wearing he has his own bliss to cover and enjoy.
"Oie, Little Shahrukh!
I promise; I don’t have any!
But got a few rupee notes!
I thought I gave most of my rupee to that
girl!
Forget it!
It is a night to celebrate!
Anyway, go and buy a packet of Lacto Fun
Chocolates with this little left money!
It's all I have got today!
We will enjoy the sweetness of chocolates
along with your dramedy!
Ha! Ha!"
The boy,
"Ok boss!
And a stick of cigarette for me!
Is that ok boss?"
Is that ok boss?"
The
boy is quite assertive. He takes the
orders like a long lived follower. And this is 6th April 2000 and he
seems already energized.
The
boy ready at his own will crosses the road holding his loose trousers and oversized
blazers useless for this relatively hotter spring season in Kathmandu. Here
Aakash has already initiated a gag session with the remaining children. For the
first time, the witty part of him is at display.
He is intended to enjoying the moment at the
fullest!
"Salman!
Rajesh Hamal!
Bhuwan KC!
Niruta Singh!
Johnny Lever!
Come and sit by the side
of me!
I suppose you are
already tired and have danced as much as you could!!"
He loves calling these children with the name of cine stars
popular in Nepal and India. There is a certain fascination of these children
who serve film tickets as entertainment and also as gift to their fellow
children. They are always seen around the cinema hall near Rani Pokhari.
"Until little
Shahrukh brings the packet of sweets, why don’t you tell something about
yourself to me?
I mean if you like to
share something about you!
That is not meant to be
compulsory!
What about you little
lady, Niruta Singh?
Are you a weepy girl?
I guess you are a very
strong lady surviving these odds and these boys.
How come you are here?"
This
girl, barely 12 and referred to as actress Niruta Singh, seems enjoying talking
to her Teddy Bear than the outsiders. Either she is a lonely girl or she
doesn’t find those ears that have the patience to hear the grief, projections
and dreams of her life. She smiles fantastically exposing the dental caries of a
molar tooth and the magnanimous purple black gums that reflects serenity and
attracts compassion. Her left eye is little tilted not probably squint but
indicating some sort of chronic despairs.
No one acknowledges but children are also depressed.
"Onkal!
My name is Dharti and
not Niruta Singh!
Is your name Prabhakar?
You look like him!"
She
reacts to her exclamations, of being introduced with a new person, with a
piercing question. But she is equally affectionate. She is also expecting a
noble answer from this lad whom she is staring like a long lost loved one. He may
look her be somewhere between her brothers, crush and a saviour.
At
the moment he is not a strong hand however.
"No I am not!
I am Aakash!
You seem to have a great
fascination towards this Prabhakar.
Who is he actually?"
And
at the nick of time, the one referred to as Little Shahrukh appears there with
a packet of sweets and is spontaneous in replying Aakash's inquiries.
"She has been asking the same
questions to everyone who she thinks to appear like him!
Not very surprising, we have not met any as
such Prabhakar yet!
Prabhakar was meant to be her love back in
her village!
As he suddenly disappeared, she came here
to find him!
And, since 2 years she is with us!
I think she is just screwed!
Whenever free from picking rags, she talks
to herself or to the teddy bear and even while asleep!
She has an endless annoying story to tell!
Isn't that weird?
But she is very good at heart."
"Ok!
Are you her interpreter?
He! He!
You are very quick to know her stories!
Did she tell you?
What is your name?
What is your name?
Where are you from?
How did you come here?"
The boy,
"She tells her story to everyone
unless they don’t listen to it.
,
I am Bir Bahadur Nepali from Rolpa!
When I was 9 years old, I was picked by a
local agent there to come to Kathmandu to cut paddies and work in brick kiln at
Bhaktapur.
The grains that we harvest back in our
village are insufficient to feed our family for 6 months.
So, most of the fathers or other able
bodied youths from the villages in our district go to Punjab, Haryana,
Himachal Pradesh and etc. states of India to work.
It seems that is our sealed fate.
And mother has to look after babies they
give birth once every two years.
There are only babies, expecting mothers,
grannies in villages.
And bigger children like us come to work
here in larger cities.
Some friends of mine were also taken to
work in carpet and garment factories at Jorpati.
I worked with them for one long year and
suffered a lot!
For them we are just bonded labours, a
piece of flesh.
They don’t give us specific time to eat or
allot specific time to sleep!
The foreman of the brick kiln was very rude
and merciless.
He would spank children smaller than me.
I have seen him enjoying the cries and
shrill of those children.
A monster is satiated on the sufferings of weaker.
He wouldn’t let a moment of rest between
the works!
So I ran away!
And here I am enjoying my freedom and
adventure!
,
,
The food we grow in our village is insufficient to feed the family for even 4 to 6 months.
The food we grow in our village is insufficient to feed the family for even 4 to 6 months.
So at least one of the family members has
to go out to work!
We don’t get to work in villages, nor there
any opportunities as such, because we are Dalits, the untouchables!
My father has gone to Himanchal Pradesh,
India to earn picking apples but hasn’t returned since 10 years.
I am eleven and I don’t remember his face
or anything about him!
There was never any father for me.
I have even forgotten the face of my mother
in the haze of this shit called dendrites and everyday problems that we are
facing from the local police and other gangs.
Although these 5 kids are my friends, they
are the only family members I have and I believe!"
Aakash,
"What about you Dharti?
How did you come here!
And little Shahrukh please distribute the
sweets equally among 7 of us!"
Dharti,
"I am not weirdo!
They are!
A big boy comes to sleep with us at night
and he does bad things with Kale!
These boys do the same among themselves!
Oh, I am ashamed!
Yuck!"
She refers to
physical abuse and particularly the act of sodomy that she is witness to.
The annoyed Kale,
"No! No! No!
Whore!
Bhalu!
Cunt!
She is the one, bad potato among us.
She always talks about one incidence about
how she slept with her boyfriend and from the next morning the boy was missing!
Don’t trust her!"
Kale
has a denial to accusations and fires a counter accusation. No one is mature
enough to operate upon any of as such sexual perversion. But certainly the
truth is more rotten than the crude tale they are telling.
Streets,
darkness and terrors!
And
certainly these children meet rapist, pedophile, mentally ills and those
experimenting with drugs and adolescence.
Dharti,
whose name is referential to motherly warmth and tenderness of the mother earth,
has not set any boundaries until now. And certainly the mother earth is always
receptive and but also gives in abundance.
She
still thinks that she is like anyone there. She neither acknowledges that she
is girly girl or tomboy and certainly that has contributed to her fierceness. She
thinks she has the right to every experience; she is sensitive and intuitive
and probably that is the boldness of her feminist attitude. She is open to her
interpretation of experiences. The concept of sacredness covered in dirty lies
is not inoculated in her until now. And, there seems no limit to her innocence.
"Yes I slept with my boyfriend!
Do I fear being called whore?
No!
That is an old tact to shame me!
Kale, remember that women are never
humiliated!
Either they are returned back with the love
they had given or despised for the love they had showered.
We are no weak people!
,
,
,
The next morning he was gone!
I cried a lot!
Some people said he ran away!
And some said he was taken by the Maoist
and kept in their labour camps.
It was a very chaotic time for children
like us.
We were already scared about the prospect
of being seized and taken into some camps and forced to work.
Other said he was in police custody for
misdeed to me!
I don’t believe that.
Some of my friends said it was pedophile
act; rape!
He didn’t!
We like each other and we accepted each
other.
Obviously we went beyond liking each other.
And I know liking people of the opposite
sex is neither a crime nor any defect of the mind.
I know I just tried to replace the coldness
of poverty and scarcities of affection with the warmth of body!
I was 11, had my first period a month ago
and he was 16.
We were in love.
Some said he is in Kathmandu driving tempo.
I had to find some answers, I had to find
him.
I am such a stubborn and headstrong.
So one cold foggy morning, I ran away from the
home without any possession or belonging.
I came to Kathmandu hoping to squeeze an
answer from him.
I didn’t know anyone here!
Kathmandu was not as small as a 100
household villages back in my district.
People are rude, cruel and self centered.
Their priorities are different; they have
their own poverty to deal with!
I believe every city is the same!
There is a cruel crowd which has always
been cold and alien to a new comer.
And of course poverty is a monster!
I waited at the New Road Gate for 5 days
without food and even water.
Hungry and fearful; I couldn’t ask these
strangers any question about his whereabouts.
They skipped my presence.
I was so innocent.
I didn’t understand that I can't find a
small man in this randomly big city.
I was feeling dizzy, hallucinated and even hungrier.
I cried and cried!
Then a man, around 20 years of age,
identifying himself as a minibus conductor, took me to home convincing me to take
to Prabhakar.
There he fed me, bed me!
Life has been in a similar track since
then.
I try to find Prabhakar and the bus
conductor in every one of you!
The conductor again left me here promising
to return and take me back!
He never came back.
I cried and cried because I was left with nowhere to go!
I cried and cried because I was left with nowhere to go!
And these crazy 5 took me under the safety
of their shelter.
Hoped they had shared more of the warmth
than the cold and coldness that they could only offer!
But in a sense, they saved me from the needle
piercing apathy of Kathmandu!
At least I have a group, a family I can
belong to and rely upon.
Thank you Saathiharu!
I have been greedy of warmth of sensuality ever
since.
Their phony affections and commitments
arouse me.
As long as I stay with them, they even act
to persuade me to marry them.
They say I smell virgin!
Greedy monsters!
They love skirts!
And I have become a cold bitch!
But I know and am assured that they are
just fooling me around!
I no longer try to believe them even in the
silence of my loneliness.
I take every of their proposition very
lightly.
And I sleep with whoever I like.
Never, I found these boys more than
childish for me!
He! He!
Yes that's true.
The prospect of having sex with them was
not even in my distant dreams.
So I have started calling them Bhai!
Look these dwarfs are older than me but
smaller than me!
Hah! Hah!
I think of purity and I become guilty again
and again.
The concept of sacredness has always
triggered shame in every woman.
I am not the only one.
We bleed and we give birth.
And that makes us untouchables at least few
days a month.
A sheer apathy and hypocrisy of this male
world!
,
They wouldn’t want to marry a tainted woman,
do they?
And I am just 13 and not even eligible to
marry.
Nowadays when anyone convinces me of warm
bed and hot meal, I choose the best of the rest and go with them.
I have been auditioning a lot these days.
And I can't stop picking the pricks most of
the times.
I am swayed into their phony dreams.
All men are the same.
They
are restless around women and when they get what they want they don’t even want
to see your face.
I abhor sleeping with these classless
pricks.
I dislike sleeping among these shitty,
ragged people anymore!
They sniff this dendrite and sleep like a
cold boulder.
They even don’t want to eat when sloshed.
They sex among themselves even though a
girl, me, is among them!
Ridiculous!
I like old-bald-unattractive men!
They are warm and honest unless they get a
better girl!
No one can take them from you!
They have nothing to wait for and no one to
wait for!
They spare every bit of them to you.
Their little odd protectiveness is enough
to convince me!
But sometimes some toothless oldies try to
be father or husband me.
But I don’t allow anyone to own or control
me.
I have nothing more left to give but I
protect what I have.
What do you need more than food, love, sex,
comfort and commitments in a relationship?
Moreover, they try to assure you under
their safety like a father does!
I am fully aware of the short life of these
relationships.
But who cares!
Life has always been a permanent agony for
women!"
She
spoke matured than her 10+ years of life lived. Along with Aakash, the rest of
them are also dumbstruck. There is no need of any more questions to be asked or
answers to be given.
Some journeys and many questions are best left where they
are meant to be.
They will answer by themselves at right time if they need
to be.
So are the relationships!
"But we love her as friend!
She is gentle, kind and warm!
She is supportive but she wants to kick us
away from this pile of shit!
We are like street dogs.
If we don’t get to sniff the human potty we
don’t relax.
No…ooo!
We can't leave this shit!
These are entirely ours.
Ha! Ha!
She always dreams of a house where we live
together.
From the first day, I suspected there is
some problem with the wiring of her brain.
And I know she has gone nuts.
She doesn’t sniff the dendrites but she is
insane than we are.
How is it possible for the vagabonds like
us to own a house and live happily ever after?
Is it sensible?
Heee! He!"
Dharti,
"Why should we lose hope?
We can always dream of every other goodness
to happen in our lives?
I am not going to stop dreaming?
I am such a stubborn girl, I don’t give up
so easily."
"She pretends our mother sometimes!
Sometimes she acts our sister, sometimes
friend and sometimes the stubborn girlfriend that she claims she is!
Sometimes she acts like a wife I saw my
mother been to my father.
I have not been able to know who she is, what
she is!
He! He!
But it is good.
We must not know or try to know all things
in life.
Only fools know everything.
Our relationships have always been borderless
and that is what our gang is about!"
"Our gang is a good gang!
We must protect it!
There are hyenas running around, ready to
rip us apart!
We are because we are together and we must
be together!"
There
seems no any backup to approve their convictions however they are happy holding
their boundless dreams, at least. Everybody seems willing to set their lives
and cement it with abundance of friendships. And their notion of belonging and with
a family seems far better bonded than a lot of families around the world. They
want to protect what they have just as Dharti said. This family is their
dignity, pride and assurance and unconditional support. Partnerships,
impartiality and responsibility seem the attribute of their family.
Everybody should have a country, a god to worship and a
family to belong to.
A
sigh of relief!
This
has made Aakash even more inquisitive about their way of life. Their notion of
freedom and family, their happiness among such uncertainties which they seem enjoying
to the fullest is something to be investigated over. Living in the streets is
certainly not eating a piece of pie.
Aakash,
trying to inspire a Rajesh Hamal act-alike boy,
"Oie, Rajesh Hamal!
Your acts were brilliant!
'I am
Shankar!
Shankar,
I am!'
Ditto!
That part of the mimicry was awesome; the
best!
And somehow you dance like Mr. Hamal!
The dancing moves seem less choreographed
and more intuitive.
The aggression in your eyes was very much
similar to that of Hamal!
Tell me about yourself!
Name!
From?
How did you come here?
When?"
Now the gang seems to be interested into the
welfare questions of Aakash. They have become a little cozier. However the boy pretends
being a little bit annoyed.
"I don’t want to!
Why should I tell you everything about me?
Are you going to pay for that?
I am not interested in your inquiries!
You wouldn’t believe me either!
A lot of journalists come to us!
Then they grill us with this or that crap questions
as if they are the only informed people in the whole world!
They try to pretend that they are the
saviours.
Why do we need saviours?
Give us family or get out!
We don’t want to be bread winner for them.
We are happy, lucky here!
Child Workers in Nepal Concerned Center,
the CWIN Nepal – Some children related NGOs' tried to intrude our freedom and
force us into their shelter but we ran away at the nick of time.
Are shelters good for children?
No they are not!
They always try to squeeze us into their
tube of concerns.
For them we are just a showpiece to run
their social agencies and grab a lucrative donation.
They also need to survive and survive to do
some social show business.
They will make the hell of our lives, even
difficult to breathe at our own will.
,
And these journalist get our picture posted
in their newspaper and let everybody pity on our self respect!
That is all what they can do!
And they never come back when they get
their paychecks ready!
They would ignore us heartlessly if they
meet us ever again.
They will make us feel so little.
Yes they do!
It is obvious; they don’t want to be the
acquaintances of rag wearing children."
It is Bir Bahadur
Nepali who comes to force him a responsible response.
"Why are you so angry?
This is not a movie you are acting.
Most of the people and most of the times in
fact seem in the show business.
Yes they do!
This has been a trend in this world.
And most of them fail most of the times!
The world is an ugly place because of these
failures.
And they would want you to fail.
And what is wrong with telling this Dai about your life?
You were always willing to tell the tale of
your step mother and useless father to everyone!
You always wanted to tell stories, didn’t
you?
At the end of every story you told you
always made a conscious effort that you were the hero, isn’t it?
You always wanted to be a hero like Rajesh
Hamal and fight against oppressors and unjust people, didn’t you?"
The
supposed Rajesh Hamal, whose name is still unidentified, is silent-indifferent
at the moment. But all of sudden, a smile gushes out from his yellow- chubby
face. He is able to sprays some joviality in the atmosphere.
"He! He!
Bir`e you know me, don’t you?
I was just acting and playing a prank upon
you Yaar!
You know I have never been so serious
And, I have never seen you so serious
either.
I was just testing your patience.
Dai, was I good?
,
,
But I don’t deny, I have so much
frustrations and poison to share!
Obviously I have some laughter too.
He! He!
The curls in my hair are the result of the
poisons that I have swallowed in relationships my entire life.
I have seen so much in this lifetime.
And I am proud that I have wandered so many
places this lifetime.
It is always our own near and dear ones who
is the source of our suffering.
And yet we are ignorant, blaming people
from other communities and arguing-fighting for the superiority of our caste,
creed, class or ethnicity.
And people feel easier to build walls than
to plant flowers.
We should bring changes in our lives and
not the belief of us or other!
Why don’t we see the enemy in us?
He! He!
I always wanted to make people laugh like
the comedian Narayan Tripathi in the
movies of Rajesh Hamal.
I am his big fan!
I never said I wanted to be a hero!
I am ok with being side hero!
There are lesser responsibilities to take
and more punches to give!
Hu! Hu!
My name is Shankar Danuwar and I hail from the
district of Makwanpur.
Hetauda, the headquarter of this district,
used to be a city of industries and employ lots of working class people with a
decent job.
But now it is the city of unemployment like
most of other cities of Nepal.
The political turmoil has left nothing but
plantations in both side of the road.
It used to be the city of textiles but now hoist
just a flag of 'Green City'.
Greenery is everywhere in Nepal, what is
new about it.
The People's War they call has torn apart
everything!
For sure they are not constructive people.
Back in our villages people fear even their
loved ones.
They presume anyone to be a spy or a double
agent.
Shit!
,
My father had enough of land acquired as an
ancestral property.
But he was a spoiled brat of a wealthy man
in our society.
A spendthrift and a gambler, he was
despised by most of the locals because of his drinking and feisty behaviours.
He was said to be the leader of a local
gang.
And, ruined most of his ancestral properties
in cards and Kaudas!
,
He is said to be a true womanizer, had many
girlfriends, some of whom I have met in the past!
People say that the pockmarks in his face
are the result of cocaine and brown sugar addiction.
I don’t believe them because I came to know
through a teacher that pockmarks are the result of measles or chickenpox.
Whatsoever!
,
Our grandfather and grandmother were
already dead.
And that deprived him of trustworthy guardian
to constraint him or counsel in any financial or other matter.
That is my family's boisterous past but
never had a chance to experience it in first hand.
The youngest son, my father was already in
debt when he married my mother.
The marriage was the result of fatal
attraction; I believe.
Whenever they were around, they couldn’t
stand each other for a brief moment
My mother should have realized within 6
months that she was in troublesome relationship and already bankrupt in social
and financial terms.
Both were egotistical creatures.
I was born and 7 years later my little
sister!
We were poor and hungry everyday!
Not a big ordeal!
How could he feed a single meal each day to
3 of us when there was no any permanent job or income?
He had ruined his chances of being educated.
So the jobs offered to him were of coolie
and not even the mason.
You can imagine how little he earned in
construction work.
And people were afraid to work with him
because of his careless and the arrogant attitude.
There were huge fights every day, either my
mother or if not with the coworkers and foreman!
And maybe due to this huge stress and the
responsibility he couldn’t carry, the food he ate or didn’t, he started
suffering from piles.
Oh no!
I should have been a doctor!
Hu! Hu!
You know, this is an illness where they
bleed along with the shit they expel.
Yuck!
My father threatened my mother every day
for this or that and my mother counterattacked with the same offense.
She threatened to leave the family like a
dog which ditches its bone!
I was utterly scared of the darkness of loneliness
and separation.
Why wouldn’t I?
I was the witness to everything and so I had
fears far more than my little sister!
I don’t know if she was even aware of chaos
happening around.
Edit
1 @ 27.10.2074/ 10.02.2018
My father was fired from any job he was
hired.
He was ill mannered, temperamental, lazy but arrogant, less educated – couldn’t even pass SLC and unskilled.
He was ill mannered, temperamental, lazy but arrogant, less educated – couldn’t even pass SLC and unskilled.
He was used to swear me and my mother while
dining.
He wouldn’t be physically aggressive but
the continuous verbal harassment could demoralize anyone.
I felt lowly every day.
Most of the remarks he made were hateful towards
my mother family.
I knew he was paranoid!
If you ask me, it is absolutely because of
the poverty that parents nag their children while they are eating their meals.
This act itself is an index of poverty.
People are always vulnerable in toilet so
do while eating.
We can't defend ourselves in that situation.
Or we have to leave the meal as a protest.
If we are hungry protesting with food is
not a healthy option.
,
,
Parents of violent past are going to bring
it to the future of their children.
,
My mother eloped with a neighbouring
relative who promised her of better future and food everyday.
I have never met her since then.
I don’t hate her but I don’t even like her!
Our relationships have already been stone cold!
There is no any spiritual devotion in it.
I know I should respect my mother because
she churned all her energies to give birth to me.
But I even hate to think about her.
She was so selfish!
She exempted her responsibility; if she had
given birth to me, she should have brought me up.
But she was nowhere.
Do you know how difficult life was for me
and my little sister without a mother to care and cook for?
I am not less selfish either.
I left my little sister to a crazy father
and ran away from the home.
I think of her everyday and cry.
I know my mother does the same.
Actually she ran away from the immense
poverty and directionless life she was having with my father.
She couldn’t resist; she was weak.
And she was quick enough to realize all the
worldly realities.
I pray to the god that she has a good life!
,
After my mother eloped he brought a
religiously different, converted step mother.
She brought some sort of prosperity to our
family.
She was smart in utilizing the resources we
had.
I think she probably had over used our
properties.
Actually she transferred all the ancestral
property in her name!
There was nothing left for me!
She started a small shop with the money
selling a piece of land.
After that there was no problem with 2
meals a day.
But it was a temporary convenience.
The storm was brewing and mustering somewhere
in the ambience but I couldn’t foresee it.
Anyway, I was in no position to intervene
it!
Now, my father had stopped drinking which
was good.
But he compensated his impatience with being
ritualistic and fanatic.
He had become compulsive in behaviour due
to this new religion brought into the family.
I can't describe it altogether!
Obviously, I was not easy with the changes.
Life should be simple and simplified.
It was not for us!
And the whole focus of family had shifted
to this new unwanted aspiration.
But I am for sure either Shiva or Allah or
Jesus didn’t know they were God.
Yes, they didn’t invent religions.
They could have been intended to prosper
goodness and humanity and not some extreme fanaticism!
I hope God have vulnerabilities like me!
I don’t search for him outside but inside
me.
When I do share goodness, I feel godly.
That's all!
God is Love and Love is God!
We better start this way than being
discriminatory or full of hatred.
Isn't that enough?
But this addiction, called religion, seemed
more severe than his drinking problems.
Everything seemed complicated and
compulsive.
In a way, he was still lazy!
My step mother used to curse him for being
over indulged and not completing the task in time.
She used to hurl things at him when she was
angry.
She was angry all the times and so hurling
things upon us was also very common.
As far as I know, my father had always been
a stubborn piece.
He always wanted to prove his strength but
as I grew older I knew he was a weak man without any convictions as such.
Now, he was indulged only with the
religious rituals.
He had no time for us though he seemed free
all the time.
It didn’t matter to him whatever we eat,
wherever we go or whenever we study or not.
He had attained in a lot of doctrines and
way more excuses in life.
He wanted to devise some perfect ways to be
right.
And sometimes it seemed very funny and
hilarious about his way of interpreting things.
It was entertainment free of charge.
We could have learned from mistakes but
unhu…no…o!
His way or no way!
His religion never attested humans with
humanity!
It was compulsion, it was persecution.
Irony!
One of the dogs of my neighbour was more
humanly than everybody else around whom I believed to be my own people.
It used to cuddle me when I felt so lonely
and lowly.
I always wonder how dogs could feel us.
Dogs start to love us the moment they are
born.
The irony is we human have to learn to
love.
And it is damn difficult because we believe
very less people around.
And obviously it is time consuming.
These two new headmasters in my house
forced me to pray to their almighty many times a day.
But they never taught me the value of love,
respect, empathy, etc.
They were not real devotee and I was
feeling unreal myself.
There was confusion and impatience in my
head all the times.
I always thought I would break down any
moment.
And I was scared to hell all the times.
I don’t know if swear words are religious
but they used it upon me and my 4 year old sister every hour of the day.
They were trying to belittle a 9 year old
boy and prove their strength.
Now I can pity on those pathetic creatures.
,
I always thought that prayers cleanse the
soul.
But, I don’t feel so!
I don’t know!
Was that effect of their prayers?
My convenience with food was temporary.
I was small but I was hungry all the time.
I was little ashamed of this but I assured
myself that – 'unless there is food it is good!
Earlier I was not able to concentrate on my
studies, because I concentrated every moment of the class on food.
Still I was not able to concentrate on my
studies.
I was mainly anxious because she was
irritating and everything had to be rushed.
I was not allowed to be a child.
I was forced to be an adult.
Hiding from her and over-thinking were the
options available to me!
Their rituals and practices seemed permanent
addiction and temporary solace.
They talked about god all the times but it
lacked in their soul.
,
For them munching chocolates or sugary food
were devils cravings!
They used that word devil every time of the
day!
They wouldn’t allow sweets to a little child
like me!
I think religion doesn’t endorse cruelty of
any kind be it mental, verbal or physical.
She treated me like a slave bonded to her
food.
Yes I was hungry all the time, for the food
and for the love!
I had to wake up at 4 AM everyday and fill
the water tanks.
She had a compulsion for cleanliness.
May be she was trying to clean her impure
acts and thoughts.
If not there were punishments and pestering!
She would scold me for eating too much of too little; to fast or too slow.
She hated everything about me; the way I
spoke, the way I walked, the way I breathed.
Everything!
Don’t do this!
Don’t do that!
Change this or that!
Don’t do that!
Change this or that!
I was really irritated!
Her actions and commands were not
predictable!
Yes, obviously she was my step mother; an
emblem of cruelty!
Actually she was envious of my innocence
and the way I was happy for little-petty things and belongings.
She punished me for this or that reason.
I didn’t know it then but I know it now.
,
,
Things were happening too fast and too often.
She stopped me from going to school citing all
the responsibilities.
Now I have to take the charge in the shop
and also look after my 4 years old sister.
Like the father, her way or no way was her stance!
One day she hurled a hot spoon over my
small sister.
My little sister was not eating properly
because she had an intense fever from last two days.
I was so angry.
I was boiled with hatred!
I bit off her ear and ran away with a piece
of auricle until Kathmandu!
And, here I am pushed into every sort of
sufferings!
,
,
We are born to be free!
We are not bonded to the desires and
insecurities of our parents!
We should be treated like free man the
moment we are born!
,
,
How could my little sister have survived
these 5 long years?
If I am able to afford, I will bring her
with me and send her to school!
God help me!
Dharti I do want to come out of this shit
like you!"
Dharti,
"So what did you do to that gummy
piece of auricle?
He! He!"
Shankar,
"What do you want to hear?
I gave it to a dog!
Satisfied!
Leave it!
I don’t remember when I spit it!"
Aakash,
"Do you think you are a victim?
I am sorry but I am used to ask this
question to everyone whose stories I have to listen!"
Shankar,
"I am not.
When you think yourself as victim, you are
not able to stand up!
When you are not able to stand up, you are
not going to be a hero!
You see I want to be a side hero!
You see I want to be a side hero!
He! He!
This is just a part of the journey!
Some days are good and some days teach us
with bad experiences!
Some day we are full and some day we sleep
hungry!
Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha!
I don’t mind it unless I have my freedom of
choice.
I am a soldier and I deny that someone
forced me into this situation.
I came here on my own and unless I want to,
I belong here."
Aakash,
"Why are women so cruel towards their
step children?
Are they really cruel?
Or is it the insecurities in victims that
they have elevated level of fears towards their step mothers?
Are they paranoid to label their step
mothers as utterly cruel women?
I have been used to heed the cruelties of
step mothers!
Last time a friend of mine narrated why his
step mother peed over him!
Are such cruel women in rural societies or is
it also the plight of the towns and cities?"
Shankar,
"I don’t know the overall scenario but
I can say that it is not about villages or towns but about poverty in our
societies!
This poverty is the real cause of monstrous
mothers.
They have limited resources with them which
they want to safeguard for their own blood.
Yes some are cruel because of their
insecurities.
One of my uncle said when women don’t have
dick to hold, they want to hold everything.
I don’t know if this is a vulgar way of
interpreting situations but he said the same thing.
Least of all women I know are inherently
cruel!
Yes you are partially right!
We often anticipate step mothers crueler
than they are!
I have seen some people have better step
mothers than their own mothers!
,
,
But by now, I have forgiven my step mother's
cruelty, my own mother's apathy and my father irresponsibility!
But it is really hard to forget things and
the pain nailed upon our little conscience!
Anyways, these days I think from both the sides
of the coin about my life!
Both are true, but in the sense only half the
truth is true at the moment!
We can interpret our life from any half and
conclude with only half of the answer.
This is the way of life!
It always play hide and seek with you!
Before being a mother she is a woman.
Being a woman she is forced to play many
differed roles and many different parts for the sake of this society dominated
by the male chauvinism.
She is partially responsible; the society
is responsible for most of her.
She has to become a mother, daughter, wife,
sister, love, pride and many more and all at once.
How can she be self or be the perfection of
all of them at once?
Actually she is confused about her roles.
She is indeed confused with her characters
and so becomes the worst actor..
Should we blame her?
And frankly speaking women are emotionally
volatile like this glue/we inhale.
They flow with the winds.
They fit in those spaces where they find a
little affection.
They fit in all shapes and sizes.
Their affection could be momentary as Dharti
says.
In a poor country like Nepal, women don’t
have a have a peculiar character; their shape is the shape of their container.
Or, one who holds them!
So I tell everyone that let them be what
they are!
When they are finished with what they are,
probably the will evolve as a better being!"
Aakash,
"Wow!
You know more about life than most of us
around!
Obviously the first goodness starts with
the kindness in children.
So I let you be one.
And you are on the right track.
But we have been taught in the books of Moral
Science that a mother is a Goddess, she is the epitome of love and warmth and
she commands a respect."
Shankar,
"Is that so?
Then the book is only half right.
Or you can add one word – responsible
mother.
Flip to the other half of the truth.
Like – When a women is epitome of love and
warmth, she commands a respect and she is the mother Goddess.
Learn what I have said!
Learn it now!
It will be very helpful in your life
because when you don’t know what she is, you won't be able to find a way to
endure 'how she is!
Let her be what she wishes to be; at least
not an agenda from your book!
I dislike book because they are so crooked
with their words and doesn’t fit in your life.
As she is the wind, she will find her own
freedom and her own space.
We will be way happier if she finds a right
space.
She can't just be the epitome of your imagination
of love, purity, sacredness and beauty.
She, a desirous being like everybody of us,
has her own life to experience before she is a responsible mother!
Like every other women, there is the same
catchy phrase for mothers too.
'If she stays there, she is yours and if
she doesn’t stay's around know that she was never yours.'
Nowadays, I don’t even cry for my own
mother or curse the step mother.
Who knows your own mother could have been
worse than the very new wife of your father!
Actually I am thankful to her for this adventure
and freedom!"
It seems he has forgiven but not forgotten.
"What about remaining three of you?
How has your life been so far?"
"Freedom is good but being homeless frightens with a sense of powerlessness and anger.
We like to laugh over ourselves sometime of
the day!"
"The good thing is being on high every
moment of the day!
But we have to set boundaries!
Otherwise we will die due to the shortness
of breath!
I have seen street junkies like die when
they are asleep.
The concept that I am a bad person, the guilt
is frequent, is overwhelming.
We like to kill ourselves for that.
I have to move, I have to live a better
life are some better wishes at the end of the day!
But we become paranoid most of the day!
We become insecure and we distrust everyone
around maybe because of the effect of this glue."
"13 to 16 is the most vulnerable age during
this lifetime!
We try to appear gutsy.
We dared to run away from the home and look
where we are.
Actually my own teenaged parents ran away
from the responsibility towards me.
And the hunger led me to these darker
streets."
"But if I get stable-homely
environment, I will permanently settle down!
I meant not with the marriage but with a
good family!"
Everyone
is thrilled to share their part of suffering and aspirations. Everyone has at
least one to share.
"A family history of drugs and
violence always affects the growing children.
I am living on this junk because I expected
to die anyway."
He is someone new
who has intruded into their storytelling.
Aakash,
"Who are you?
What is your suffering?
You seem a lot bigger than these kids."
"I am Deepak Jaishi!
I came here from Dailekh!
My mother wanted me out of the home!
I was the witness to her affair with a man;
a close relative.
She feared my complaints and accusations on
her characters.
Obviously there was a threat to her
blindfolded freedom.
My father was a loser!
He had no one to prove his frustrations.
He had no one to prove his frustrations.
I was innocent, responsible.
I was an easy victim for him
He tried to prove his superiority and
intelligence over me!
Every day he fought with me!
For me he was wrong and for him I was
stubborn!
I was trying to solve the problem!
He is the Dhritarastra of this Kaliyug,
the modern times!
He didn’t want interference to his greed
and the delusions of his past achievements!
My brothers demanded princely treatments
without ever having to take any responsibility!
All they wanted is to seize the property
because they had a lot of debts to pay!
When you burn your house, ashes would be in
abundances!
They were always willing to sell the ashes
burning their house!
I was a hurdle in their lives and their
comfort.
They always wanted me out of the home.
So at 18 I left the house and everything
that I could acquire!
Here I am!
I am 21 now and have seen the hell of life
in these streets for unbearable 3 years."
"But you don’t look 21!
You are so small!"
You are so small!"
"I am a sort of emotionally dwarf
because any chances of spiritual nutrients were restricted from my meals!
I have endured starvations to become this
little dwarf.
I think after 18, until 25 you have to eat
as much as, as good as you can.
Otherwise you see the results are like me."
Aakash,
"You guys are so outspoken and
assertive!
Equally intelligent!
You could have resisted their atrocities or
complained to authorities!
Reasons?"
"We were never ever taught to complain
or go to legal forum!
This is and not was the attribute of our
society!
We are used to or forced to solve problems
on our own!
Otherwise we would have been considered weak and fragile!"
Dharti,
"Fear!"
Aakash,
"What about you Kale?"
"I fear more than anyone of you
I am not a coward but I think I have a
woman inside me!
An insecure woman!"
Aakash,
"Can I join you if I survive?"
He is indeed not
that assured of what he is appealing for.
"Why are you not going to
survive?"
"You look perfectly healthy and
young?"
"I don’t know, this is what I have
been thinking all these days?"
"Then your instincts are wrong!
You get this life only once in a lifetime!
Live it, enjoy it and for us too."
"Don’t come here!
You are no one here.
You just become a lifeless entity to endure
any physical and verbal abuses.
It is not the place for you to be.
You will regret!"
"There is no safety here."
"Man is an animal within and it is not
a safe place to be.
A newspaper hawker was shouting of 4 men
raping of a defenseless woman and then killing.
It is the everyday plight here and in one
of our neighbouring countries!"
"Your stomach will be upset everyday
due to sleeping in the cold without food!
You have to stay hungry most of the days
and rot like us to the thinnest possible size!
You will swear every moment.
All you will see is enemy!
You will see red and revolt everywhere!
You wouldn’t want to live in the ditch, do
you?"
"We are trying to form an identity in this
alien world without any support.
It will be very difficult for you!
You won't survive here unless you give up the
desire and even the dream of every comfort."
"Street children like us are about
memories, broken homes, separated families, abusive elders, step mother and all
the difficulties in life and our fear of confronting them!"
"We are warm, numb and less hungry
only when we are sniffing dendrites!
Otherwise we are pathetic, ever fearing
bugs!
The next street dogs will bark at us, when
we scavenge around for junks with this old rug sack.
See the torture and apathy upon the working
class children.
The dog has the same plight as ours but it
has also the same disrespect towards us."
"When you sold rags you have bucks to
buy whitener, paint thinner from the paint stores or glue from the bicycle
repair shop.
Actually these dope are cheaper than Dal-Bhat-Tarkari.
You can also buy brown sugar, TTS, weed,
Phensedyl in this or that corner of the street if you have sold enough of junks
a whole month.
But the money you have is not enough to buy
love, warmth, food, education and security!
The
way police treat us or any other street vendors are worse than the treatment of
our own step mothers.
Street
is such a place where everyone is already doomed."
They may not be
intended but all of them give a picture of dystopian street life to Aakash.
"Running from home is like chasing
rainbows full of adventure and freedom.
But here you will be all empty!
You are no one here!"
"Don’t leave your home until you are
self sufficient to carry on yourself!
You have the right to food, safety and
education!
Take help from good people you know!
Ask them helping you in solving your
problem!
You can go to the authority or police!"
You can go to the authority or police!"
Shankar,
Given a chance I want to be somebody!
I want to quit this shit drugs and go to
school.
I want safety for me and my sister Bunu!
It is always good to have a warm bed and hot
meal!
Freedom and adventures should only be
hobbies!"
"Without even committing any crime, I
have gone behind bars because there is safety and warm food provided by some
generous people!"
"I have been lured for the food, warm
bed and money!
They are used to take advantages sexually.
There is an immense guilt afterwards!
We can't share how outraged we are against
these faggots!"
Dharti,
"I also want a warm home, good food to eat, a movie once a weak
and the freedom to dance every day.
I will adjust myself through dancing and also shed all the fears!
It would be good if my custodian are warm people and have respect
towards us!
A healthy conversation about life, aim, family everyday would be
awesome.
If they respect me now, I will love them when they are old."
The
only boy who was just listening to all of their conversation reacts for the first
time.
"I want to sleep with a smiling faces.
I want sports to help me detoxifying this
addicted body.
Soccer and swimming are my favourite sports.
I like to go fishing in rivers.
But you see, the Bagmati, Bishnumati or
the Manahara river flows with sludge like water.
Uff, its stinky aroma!
He! He!"
Now
it is finally Aakash who seem willing to conclude this long discourse.
"I thought you were enjoying!
I thought I would accompany you someday.
I was here to acquire some consultations in
that regard.
There was always greed of freedom and wild adventure
in me.
But it seems way more difficult here!
As you told me there are more important
things in life!
Yes there are!
And not anymore; I quit the adventure of
quitting.
Thank you!
,
,
But I equally regret not having run from
the family and live like this a long-long ago.
Some things would have been best if done in
the past.
I mean three years ago.
But certainly it is an inappropriate time
and context!
I want to be contextual towards my
aspirations!
He! He!
I fear; I quit!
He! He!
I wanted to suffer on my own norms and not
inflicted by anyone.
I wanted to live with dignity, full of
smile and not having even a single drop of tear to shed!
So I wished to run away.
But suffering seems not a onetime ordeal
but series of nightmares.
Problems seem always whirling around
ambience and so do the solutions.
I don’t think I can endure any as such
sufferings!
And I realized it today!
Anyway I don’t think I would ever return to
you or wanted to come with you!
Goodbye!
I am tired!
I need a deep sleep!
I have a warm bed!"
Without even
bidding adieu he walks away. They are surprised but happy for him.
He has
become very temperamental these days.
Aama Ho Aama -cfdf xf] cfdf_ - Mother O Mother
Shahrukh,
Salman and Johnny Lever are Bollywood actors.
Rajesh
Hamal, Bhuwan KC and Niruta Singh are actors in Nepali film Industry.
Kauda -sf}8f_ - Kauda is a game played with 16 sea shells, adds an extra
flavor to the festive moods of Tihar. Like dice throwing in India, also
mentioned in Mahabharat, it is a unique gambling tradition of Nepal.
Dal-Bhat-Tarkari -bfn – eft – t/sf/L_ : The everyday meal in Nepal for both lunch or
dinner and consisting of lentils soup, rice and vegetable curry.
