Chapter 22 - Khushi: In the line of Sorrows

Please read the following synopsis of the novel before reading the chapter below which can be found at - http://classicjunkie-media.blogspot.com/2009/07/synopsis-khushi-in-line-of-sorrows.html

This segment of Novel carries important aspects about Suicide.

Chapter 22

These young agitators rarely allow sob and sniffles although they are dejected many times a day.

The morning has to continue even after a sort of conclusion and a contract between these anguished souls.

This group of young adolescents is still encircling the bed no. 14.

There is an embarrassing pause for the moment.

They are silently excited but are trying to look as stable as possible

The overall mood which started gloomy has become a bit hopeful now.

The ambience has gradually become healing and joyous gradually by the grace of some force supreme.

Kailash, purple, the ambitious,

Aakash, blue, the lonely,

Aanand, yellow-green, the envious,

Niru, yellow, hostile at present,

Rojit, red, romantic, hungry, mischievous,

And Kamal, the dark green guilt!

Yes their auras were convened for a lemony-green hopeful ambience.

This was always a noisy ward. There are more gossips around anonymity than patience of fact. And the lonely patients here become curious to every new flock of visitors as if they have to endure silence to infinity.

Just as they were to wrap up their eccentricities they become aware of an old woman in the bed next to that of Kamal. To their amazement there is an older man sitting next to her bed in a white wooden stool. He is probably her caretaker or likely the husband. He is looking at this bunch of kids with very curious eyes as if very much interested in their young miseries. There is a creak of smile in his face nonetheless the aura around him is shadowy pale.

This starved-thin man in grey shirt, grey trousers and with mournful shabby white beard is fanning her with a newspaper. The old lady could be feverish otherwise it is little earlier than January. And he is caressing with the cluster of hairs obstructing her eyes.

If one observes her carefully, she is stick-thin and pale. He looks grim and thoughtful. But at the moment, he is more curious about Kamal than the condition of his ailing wife.

He is willing to inquire but don’t know what to ask for, how. But finally after a moment of hesitation and silence he opens up with his list of questions in his loud attractive baritone.

“So you attempted a suicide, Kamal Chamling Rai?”

Kamal is visibly shocked due to the stranger's inquiry but he musters up his courage to hold his ego. He seems intended not to give up and tell his story to an anonymous person. He is intended to hide the little truth and protect his self esteem and ego.

How does this elderly man know his name?

 Yes they were registered in this ward earlier than him. But he never saw either his father or mother converse with them. And he was in his own dilemma and pain. They have been silent as lamb as long as he has can remember them. But again Kamal doesn’t want to sound disrespectful to this old man. Anyway, Kamal nods to accept the fact. He has no other options.

Now everyone has to attend to this old man. And not even waiting for a verbal response to come, he beats the drums of his experiences. He won't blame anyone; there is a sort of assurance from his voice. He has a tremendous amount of empathy.

“There is nothing to be ashamed of and don’t be!

As my experience goes, this is the illness committed upon the mankind by the society because it evaluates a man's strength based on success or failure; achievement or losses.

And young people like you are provoked to take your precious life.

But to tell you the truth, no one has a perfect definition of suicide and or its cause.

We know, drug abuse is a habit and not an illness.

Habit can be unlearned!

So what is this suicide?

Is it illness?

Is it disease?

I don’t think it is caused by bacterial infection.

Is it weakness?

Is it mental problem?

Is it revolt?

Is it only the failure?

Is it the commitment?

Is it stubbornness?

What is it?

So I think it is not a single phenomenon.

Grossly!

So, please don’t be guilty!

You see our society has been a blind calculator whose frame of reference for the evaluation is just two extremes.

The concept of society is itself a blind opinion.

There is no if or but two extremes.

There are many realities in between two extremes.

The concept of society was formulated on little truth and more necessity.

Realities have changed and so the necessities.

 But why are we still sticking to this trend called society?

,

,

Probably we didn’t find the alternative or explored some other options.

Anyway it has given us a sense of stability!

But certainly there are many points in between yes or no, success and failure, right or wrong.

You just have to accept vulnerability of this fact and apply!

,

In fact, society is a crowd and its collective consciousness is merciless!

It won't forgive you easily or celebrate your goodness!

This is the mercilessness of everybody and the society as a whole has adored this principle.

,

,

But,

But, somewhere deep inside me, I feel that this illness can be treated!

Yes it can be!

Society first of soul first is the question."

The old man lowers the pitch of his voice which becomes even huskier and deeper. He continues to radiate his experience in the same level of maturity.

"What was it that you were unable to deal with?

Was it unrequited love or any relationships failures?

Were you utterly neglected by your parents?
Unattended, underfed, were you?

,

Or, were you tortured and humiliated or terminally ill that provoked you to escape the pain and glorify this coward death?

Were you not able to confront harsh life decisions?

Likewise, was it a career failure?

Were your identity and self respect sabotaged by someone of lower capability?

Have you lately become very stubborn?

Did you hold your ego and low self-esteem too often and too long?

Was letting go impossible for you?

Are you not able to forgive?

What was your mood, temptation when you fastened the rope around your neck?

Dying is an impossible choice when you have already tied the knot of the rope?

I don’t think you have some sort of mental illness or personality disorder?

Or do you have an attention seeking disorder?

Were you just trying to threat and not actually take your life?

Were you crying for help?

Only 10% of cases of suicidal attempts are the result of mental illness as far as I have known?

Like some hallucinatory voice, may instigate you to finish up you life!

Tell me!

I am willing to listen you son!”

The old man's inquisitiveness and the body of knowledge he has about suicide facilitate Kamal to think over the prospect of answering any questions. His questions, like in an appreciative inquiry, already have half of the answers. He can hold either the positive thread or negative one to answer the question.

Ponders over a brief period of time,

Seems ready to tell his tale,

Energizes himself with a long deep breathe!

"Ummh!

'

'

My father has always been a strict and stern person.

Not that, he doesn’t love me!

He does; I know that!

He has always inspired me in every of my endeavours.

But he is an army officer!

Discipline, punctuality, nobility, loyalty, courage is what he want in us.

But we are all born different!

We want our way of freedom.

We are ready to stick to freedom even if the decision is wrong!

We want the right to be wrong.

I want to be free to be what frees me!

We are 4 in the family and we have different subculture.

Like I can say I brought up myself differently.

There is a sports person in me.

I know how to conserve my energy and aggression.

I have aptitude for similar ventures.

I am not a coward but not brave enough to join the army and secure the nation.

I think that is a very responsible job!

I can't do that.

I am not ready for that.

My father wants me in the army, wants to prepare me likewise.

I have discipline, punctuality, nobility and brotherhood in place of courage.

I always wanted to be the cricketer.

Ever since I know myself, this has been the first love and the passion of my life.

Some of my friends have chosen to be a footballer and that is good for them.

They have their talent.

This was the reason I became emotionally detached from my father.

He was annoyed with my choice and I was irritated with his suggestions.

My mother as always, like all of yours, loved me and wanted to protect me anywhere, everywhere.

Maternal instinct!

And you see, we can't deny her!

My father wanted me to take his way of risk and my mother didn’t want me to take any risk.

They wanted to see me as a child in their arms!

They wanted to decide everything about me.

Is that possible?

Can I allow them to do so?

Shouldn’t I guard my self-respect?

Anyway like my father she didn’t want me to lurk into any sporting career.

She made sure of that, arranged home tuition!

Couldn’t watch cricket in television unless I finished my assignments!

Etc.

Etc.

You know our mothers!

You know how they are!

We are the same small child in their observations.

They want to secure everything for us.

She was not able to continue her studies after grade 8 because of many of responsibilities at home and an early marriage to my father.

So she emphasized an equal opportunity of education to my sister too.

She never wanted her daughter to face the same doomed fate.

She wants her to stand up on her own.

She wants her to score good grades, pursue medicine, open her own hospital and then get married to a healthy young rich man.

Ha! Ha!

What is the point there?

If you achieve so much in life yourself than why do you need a spouse to share your success?

I don’t understand!

Is it necessary?

But you know my sister is all happy about that prospect!

Everyone is different!

My mother frequently compares my mark sheets with that of my sister academic achievements or that of neighbour's children.

These are the times when I really feel lowly!

It is able to perpetrate a sense of guilt in me!

There is so much of academic pressure in every of our homes!

The real fact is neither any degree nor score in the mark sheet can confirm you jobs.

Nor they would help you find any.

Have we ever taught to write a cover letter in accordance to job profile?

Syllabuses don’t have any such chapters in, do they?

,

I am not made to study the world of words.

I don’t comprehend the intelligence shared through the books.

I am different as everybody like us.

I don’t want to routine myself in their dreams.

I don’t want to be doctor, engineer or a poet.

I don’t want to be stable in life as you desire!

I want to be a sports person!

 I know there are risks and advantages in being a cricketer.

The consequence is, they don’t celebrate my type of joy at the home!

The monotony of everyday life irritates me.

I want name, fame and cheers from the crowd!

That is what I always desired for!

When my sister secures 1^st position in exams my family celebrates.

As I said, they want her to be a doctor!

I don’t know what she desires!

And, when I come home with trophies or medals both of my parents shows dejection.

I can even see a swollen halo over their head!

Negativity, frustration is what I see.

They don’t even spare congratulate upon me!

Why are they so much unhappy with me?

At least they can pretend to be happy for me.

No they don’t!

Celebration for the trophy I achieved in sports is a far way luxury for me.

I keep them in my assignment table but my mother locks it in her cupboard!

At least those trophies are safe there!

I have to console myself this way!"

He takes a long deep breath. Then he attempts to assess the level of interest among these audiences. The carefree poets, the old man and his wife and a nurse fidgeting all around the ward are curious with their expressive eyes to this young man's dissatisfaction. However a drop of blunder can stir chaos inside this hall; the ambience is pitch-silent. Impatience has crossed its boundary and marked distinction here.

Kamal,

"And suddenly there is this spinal injury!

You know I am the wicketkeeper captain!

And in the last school level tournament, held around the start of grade 10, there was a dive to catch,; I particularly remember!

There was so much pain afterward!

I ignored it; I thought it was just some small wear and tear or mild musculoskeletal pain.

As a sportsperson our bodies are used to heal them without any medications as such.

It was not that I didn’t suspect of some fractures in my backbone.

But there was no such indication in the x-ray.

Probably due to excess jumping and diving there was regular friction between vertebrae or maybe sciatica nerve got compressed somewhere.

This condition with such acute pain is called lumbago.

In brief, it is the problem with skeletal nerves and the physician was assured of that.

And all of sudden there comes this shock!

I am not even selected for practice for upcoming district level championship.

I was dropped down from the list of best 30.

Hah!

For two years I was the captain for this district.

A lot of people from the district association disliked my assertiveness.

There is so much of politics here.

But I know, my injuries are the prime cause for me not being selected!

But I can risk some pain to play.

I don’t think there were serious injuries at all!

I could take precautions myself!

A national selection was at stake.

This was the opportunity for which I invested the whole of my sporting career.

And you see what happens here!

The doctor is not positive to my aspirations.

He asked me to ditch any hope to play tournaments unless I am perfectly healed.

He said that would take two years at minimum and more of bed rests.

Oh I can't.

I was even suspicious about this doctor.

Am I not selected because of their children's selection at stake?

Ha! Ha!

Oh no!

A doctor's family would never invest their child career in sports.

Sports in Nepal are the poor man's enterprise.

And amidst this crisis in my career and pain in my backbone, my girlfriend dumps me for reason unknown!

Me and 'Miss M' who have known each other since grade 3 and has been holding hands since grade 6 left me all of sudden.

She says she has to concentrate on her education.

What was she doing all these years?

Crap?

Beer is warm; our women are cold.

Irony!

He! He!

I knew she was not happy with me.

I am barely 16 and so much focused in Cricket.

I could hardly spare any time or money upon her.

She thinks she has done a lot of waiting for me!

Probably she is right!

But are we matured enough for an independent decision.

Are we actually ready?

The truth I realize is, both of us were experimenting with relationships.

She found her better options and she moved away.

Yes!

But I am happy she is finally free.

However I miss her every day these days.

How long?

I don’t know.

At the nick of time, citing my injuries, my family pressurized me to dump my dreams to be a cricketer; forever.

There was a huge argument in the house.

I had to give up!

I am their only son and they were not happy with my happiness.

Not that I ditched my passion!

Yes!

I had to quit my first love, Cricket, because I am unable to play for the moment!

My second love ditched me because she wants to play with words.

And the love of my life, my family, doesn't want me to pursue either of them!

They have warned me!

'

''

Hunh!

Who do I stand with?

Who do I stand for?

I thought there was nothing left for me in the future.

I was mourning the past and worrying about the future excessively.

I was not able to live in the present!

Everything seemed doomed for me!

I was sinking in a nightmarish trance.

I saw myself walking inside a long dark cave with many entrances but no exits.

I was tired and exhausted just like a discharged energy mass.

There was nothing of sporting persona left in me.

I despised myself.

I was anxious all the time!

Weepy!

And I am moody and emotional, you know that well!

Wednesday, cloudy outside but very humid and disastrously tempting inside me!

And that day, without thinking of any consequences as such I tied a rope over my neck and then to the ceiling fan and jumped!

,

,

And here I am!

The Shameless!

Loser!

Coward!

A flower trundled in the mud!

I was born cesarean.

Gave so much of pain to my mother when I came into this world!

And, I am still the reason for her grieves!

Hunh!"

As he finished up his tale of sorrows, he seems to have flooded all his life instincts; looks blank-squeezed and lifeless. A silent dark shadow emerges from him and suddenly he bursts into tears. The pale blue tears that roll down relieve him from the dark shadow and his aura brightens with peace. A thin bluish aura gradually brightening in its intensity seems to be covering his ambience. Now the glow in his face is like the motionless lake where a single pebble can bring a series of ripples.

There is so much of peace and calmness.

There is empathy all around. The anxiousness in these young people has dissolved in Kamal's grieves.

People in the beds nearby Kamal also recovering from the illness and coming in terms with their own self seems overjoyed with their stay. They have become caring themselves and expecting more visitors. There is a certain pride with the number of visitor, their sympathy, advice, fruits and so called health booster drink brought by the visitors.

Who knows, they may be willing to lengthen their stay there!

But for the caretakers it has been a tedious task to manage everything from medicine to food to number of visitor. He could be bored or furious about the fanfare around sick one. May be because of this, hospitals could have regulated the number of visitors and allotted certain time or quota.

No one can understand human managements of affairs.

For as important as friendship, they don’t have time and to impress somebody with nobody attitude, they can manage any length of time.

And as it seems there will be an embodied silence, the old man opens his treasure of wisdom. He is himself impatient to release his years of silence. His yellowish-bluish pond like eyes has a lot to shed.

"To dare to pursue your dream is itself an act of bravery!

And to forgive those who left you in the middle of nowhere, who should have been there, and to those who resisted your dreams, is a greater act of bravery!

Everyone can't be brave everywhere as like your father emphasized.

Don’t be disappointed.

People are only allowed to disguise themselves as a good person but can't blemish evilness upon others!

But they will accuse you, the suicide attempter, as evil and coward!

As a sportsperson, I think you be used to accusations.

When you play not that good!

When your team is demoralized!

You know the pressure!"

Niru, a Japanese Barbie Doll lookalike, standing on the right side of Kamal, punches into the conversation with a straight forward question.

"Uncle, if you are not offended I would like to ask, who are you?

And why are you so much interested in our difficulties?"

Maybe it was the right question at the right time and to the right person. This old man seems already prepared and there is a dazzling glow in his eyes. He inhales a long deep breath.

 “Ha! Ha!

People call me Indra Subedi but I think I am no one!

It's easier to articulate.

'

'

Hunh!

4 years ago, our only child, our son Sunil committed suicide with 30 sleeping pills and a bottle of Phensedyl, the sweet cough syrup.

He was not lucky enough like you!

He died an easier death like a woman.

Pills and sleeping tabs; I think he didn’t suffered that much.

You see, boys shoots themselves with gun, jump from a cliff, hang themselves but my son succumbed to the toxicity in the sweetened tabs.

He was a coward but left so much of sufferings and guilt for us.

,

,

I should have cared for him!

I should have better known him!
This that!

These ifs and buts eat me every day!"

He is profusely sweating as he concludes this segment of his story. There is guilt and anger in his eyes. It seems he has flooded all his accusations against his son.

"Death of son; the grown up son!

You can't imagine how much pain can hop inside.

There is so much of emotional emptiness and a deep-deep pain of separation!

You trust me; when we are old, we become child again.

And there is the same traumatic experience of separation with the beloved ones.

You like to whimper like a child.

I should have done that!

I shouldn’t have done that!

Guilt!

Oh, I was so much obsessed to 'should have' and 'shouldn't have'; just!

My children we have to live in spite of pain.

 We can't get stuck to that point in the past.

Eventually we have to get out of it!

Every obstacle in life is test of your endurance.

You have to find your goals.

You will find your destinies.

At the end we have to live for ourselves.

Those who died rest in peace!

But they missed so much of life!

They missed the chance of knowing how the internet or the cell-phone.

They don’t know what it is and what it is not!

If there is some place called heaven and if he is looking at us, he better know- If you have lived, you would have known so much of life.

So much of change!

Probably you would have passed this difficult most exam called LIFE!

If you kill yourself, you kill so many of your dreams, your real consciousness!

You are guilty of that too!

So fulfill your dreams, before you die!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

But you are here with life's second chance and many sufferings to fight ahead!

Don’t ever dare to kill yourself!

You will be dejected in your struggle for this war called life but you have to stand up!

You would want to quit this exam called life but you will have to write something about it.

Just commit yourself to this life and I will have to endure you for 10 plus more years.

And you will have to endure me for 60 plus more years!

I mean through memories!

Ha! Ha! Ha!”

As the old man interludes his words of wisdom with a doubt free laugh, a bright green- yellow aura reverberates around the ambience. There is so much of hope and happiness, passion and playfulness.

Magnetized towards the old man’s story!

A deep sense of gratitude and empathy is reflected in the ambience!

Thankful that they have a chance to his wisdom!

Mrs. Subedi who awakens to the noise calmly rests on the wall supported by a pillow. She looks irritated. Even though she looks feverishly weak, she wants to resists her husband narrating the plight of their lives.  

Anxious, she bursts,

“Don’t share our grief with these little ones.

They are not adult enough to comprehend our miseries.

And we need no sympathy.”

She is frail, desperate and confused probably due to her chronic illness and grief. She is ever ready to boil her emotions and whimper any where any time. She thinks she has won many battles in life this way.

“Not now then when!

This is the right time, Sunita.

I don’t want any more sons like ours to kill him for the sake of this confused emotion among these teenagers called Love!”

Mr. Subedi clarifies the reason to the suicide and their miseries. She knows she won't be able to stop her husband genuine intentions anymore.  There is a teary enthusiasm in her eyes and she let him.

Kamal was already scared with the intensity of this word 'Suicide'. There is an emotional depth and shrill in the old man's voice who has been facilitating this topic to concern. There is danger, persecution. There is an abnormal fear of not being able to escape a helpless situation. Kamal dreads the 4 walls of this rectangular dormitory. He has indeed experienced choking to death from very near.

Kamal is desperate. He attempts to compose himself; gets up a little, place the white pillow vertically on the adjacent wall and adhered to it. His looks flushed pale there is certain on his shrunken eyes. He bolsters up his dried up courage to probe.

A very feeble voice, Kamal,

“Then?

How?”

The old man gives a momentary gaze at the intensity of inquiry and the commitment of this boy. He exhales a long-deep breath of assurance prior continuing his words of wisdom.

“He was a good student.

Had good relationships with everyone!

He never gave anyone the chance to complain.

He was the insignia of Goodness.

Oh!

Sweet lad of mine!

It was the year 2052 B.S.

I assume he was a little older than you and was about to appear the sent up test for SLC.

And without an apparent reason, we didn’t know, he committed suicide.

We never knew he had concealed so much of agony and loneliness under the tenderness of his fascinating smile.

There was so much of peace in his face and he dazzled like a Godson!

The peace, the smile, the way he interacted with people.

Even strangers would question about the strange peace emanating from his face!

,

His innocence and smile mislead every one of us!

Well we were stupid to believe 'all is well'.

And this day came when he acted in this temporary insanity.

That attempt cost his precious life and our joy permanently."

He looks dull and whitely-sick as anger floods out from his eyes. A sort of pity and hatred towards the self and that has taken a toll on his aura which is a sickly dull white aura. He knows anger is not good for the health of heart. Maybe because of this he has galvanized his outer self with a lot of smile. He relieves them to relieve his frustrations.

A moment of silence,

The teenagers have become red curious,

They want him to conclude his account!

“The goodbye letter he wrote to us mentioned about this soul girl he expected to mother his children.

She was married to someone aged.

She didn’t even think of concluding their two years of romance.

Indeed in a third world country like ours, SHE is a commanding notion, who usually marries or is married to someone powerful and that is not YOU!

You are not her HE!

Ha! Ha!

There was no mention of the name or anything good or bad about this SHE.

But I believe, she should have been really beautiful equivalent to the sweetness of my child!

,

I don’t blame her, though!

It was an ill fated destiny they are not together!

I bless the girl!

It has been 4 years around and every day since then I ponder over 'what is this love'?

How much of influence it exerts in our lives?

Is it some calibrated emotion?

Can we measure it?

If so, what is its magnitude that can bloom or doom your life?

Does it have kinds, types and steps if you want to attain it?

I mean love!

Will I be ever able to find the half part of the truth to this mystery called love?

,

If I have to define this love I would call it a house made from the brick of trust, friendship, dedication and honesty!

Love can guide you to find your soul mate and friends.

It is not a onetime charm but years of dedication, meditation and acceptance.

There are different kinds of love; probably.

Parents loving their children!

A gardener's affection towards the rose in his garden!

A small boy being possessive over the plate he eats.

A child not letting the lamb to be sacrificed, he has grown with.

These are kinds of love!

The irony is that we humans have become more animal and animal living with us has become more human.

And it is a child's compassion for life that teaches us to love animals.

Yes, there must be many types or kinds of love.

I actually don’t know if there are kinds in being loved.

Being loved is indeed a privilege.

I was never concerned for any emotions as such LOVE before I married Sunita.

I started realizing it when I started living with her.

As a child you love your father.

When you are married you love your wife and then your son.

Role changes, intensity increases or diminishes but it is still love.

Isn’t it?

Many different stories and many different loves!

And most probably there are 4 stages to love - the attraction, the affection, the love itself and finally the b being responsible to carry this love.

Aha!

Love is this scattered bliss that is everywhere but you have to identify it, classify it, name it and hold it forever.

If it is practical it appears like a two way process of give and take.

Love is just the happiness and least about possession.”

He looks overjoyed explaining the faces of love. He has befriended young people and probably assumes he is growing young again. They young adolescents are delighted to find so many kind, types and aroma of love. Their eyes are twinkling with pinkish blue butterflies.

The old man continues in his enthusiasm.

"Do you know why a dog lives only up to 12 to 15 years in average?
Because by birth it has inherited a capacity to love and be faithful!

It doesn't need to learn anything except survival.

And do you know why a man has to live up to 100 years?

It has to learn to love and be faithful.

There are equal chances of making many mistakes and falling down while attempting to love and be faithful!

Man has been given the ability to correct his mistakes and he has always misused that.

It is an irony that 'Man is a Mistake'

If you are not able to distinguish between attractions, affection and love and be responsible to it, then there is always a chance to fall in a ditch where Kamal and Sunil fell.

I know they have different stories and path to the point of attempting to kill self!

But the rally point has been the same.

Kamal is here; luckily.

And I am, the representative of Late Sunil Subedi, also present here!

Sunil was not lucky to be here.
Ha! Ha!

My children, there is a whole lot of confusion in the name of Love!”

There is a pin drop silence and everyone nods their approval to this old man’s prescription of experience. He is intended to conclude his years of turmoil.

“The fact is that if you live, you will get your love and fulfill your goal; any day, someday!

If not, who knows the one you say you love may not love you in your absence?

Let see like this.

The Lord of lord, Shiva, wraps a snake around him.

The snake could be deluded that Shiva loves him.

Maybe, who knows, Shiva could think the snake is his love.

Obviously because it has been everywhere where he goes!

However this is not the fact but just a momentary illusion.

Like ways people fall for many mismatches in their lives.

This is nothing but a fatal attraction.

And sometimes people like them, Sunil and Kamal, ditch themselves into such fatal attractions.

Ha!

Are there not such chances?"

He is satirical and yet realistic. Continues,

“And yet again, I emphasize - Being alive is a gift and the best of all human experience.

Don’t miss the opportunity!

Anyone who has dumped you out from their lives would enjoy being in your heart.

They would want to prick and poke you!

Would you let happen that way?

Your heart is a better place for the one you love and if otherwise they will burn you, choke you.

But I don’t mind if you can lend a fistful of sympathy for every one of them.

It is good to forgive than revenge because finally you don’t have to endure them.

It will stop you from being hostile towards them.

That means you needn't fight tiny battles.

,

,

I have a lovelorn friend of mine; still unmarried.

He revealed this insight to me.

The good thing is he is happy and free not having toxic people in his life.

Absolutely true; it is better to be alone than to be lonely.

In most of your lives, your first love would be with a wrong person!

Then your second love at the wrong time.

You are probably late or little late this time.

Undeniably you will be frustrated and you refuse any existence of love.

Then there is problem.

We have never seen god but we believe his existence.

Isn't that?

Am I wrong?

You were borne out of love, brought up by the love, but now you deny it.

It is the irony that when people have everything they deny the existence of pure love and God!

They think they are invincible!

They would never get old or die.

A wrong assessment around this fragile life!

I don’t know but maybe this is the reason I see values, love and God only in the temple of poor.

I know I am half right.

But this is what I see.

The problem is there are wars because there is no love.

And you suffer heart diseases because you don’t let your heart pump enough of love.

Let it pump and more than enough!

Do you know why you are dumped at this very moment?

I don’t know if you feel rejected, do you?

You are dumped because you have to rise from the ashes and fly again.

You are a borne champion and have to endure this moment of defeat!

Will you not?

Yes, there are better persons and things waiting for you.

I have met many people in my 70 years of life who became Doctors, Engineer, Pilot, etc. etc. but never became any more than that!

Maybe they were destined until that point.

But you are not!
You will fall and rise!
You will make mistake but survive!

You will be a champion rather just than a winner!

Is it not my children?

Will he not be a champion?”

The boys and girls listening to him are thoroughly convinced. In fact he encouraged every one of them and imbibed the love for life. They will support his cause for any reason.

"Yes Sir!

He will."

But Mr. Subedi is in no mood to stop. He is willing to inspire their whole generation, directly or indirectly.

"Don’t let your heart to die.

One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will fix together.

Believe me.

It will happen.

I am not sure but what I feel apparent is that as we get older, our heart shrinks.

It is unable to pump blood and for most of people it can't pump the love!

We try to possess everything and just share emptiness!

We don’t choose our battles wisely.

May be your attempt to life is more the result of our apathy towards your feelings rather than someone's rejection.

We didn’t share love that you needed the most at those times!

But I don’t know exactly when people get old!

Ha! Ha!

I have seen someone in his 80's and still young by heart!

Enjoying love and friendship with a poise!

Damn oldies!

Ha! Ha!

But someone barely 26 is cold as Arctic who thinks he or she is the only important person in this whole world!

He wants to be the center of attraction everywhere and everytime.

Irony!

It's just the matter of opinion and outlook!

So I stress over and again, only the possession of things you coveted is not the gain.

Sometimes you have to lose to win.

And sometimes it is best to let go!

Don’t just assemble junk in your heart and home!

They won't allow you the real creative space.

And you won't be able to achieve anything in your life.

The real place where you gain or lose is the heart.

So live a heart full of life!

People live with pain but you should live in spite of it.

Raise the bar man!

You are a sports person!”

Kamal is convinced. A fresh outlook is inducted to him by the grace of Mr. Subedi wisdom. But h is a young man. He won't accept everything by chance. He has his notes of dissent. And he will try to find his own answer; the truth.

An ultimate bliss splashes in his eyes, though silent.

Wisdom costs patience, knowledge costs perseverance!

It seems Mr. Subedi has not concluded.

“Parents become ignorant and don’t care the sentiments growing children like you; an irony indeed.

They think that you are the same - 'Yes Baba, Yes Mamu' child with no preference of your own.

They don’t think that they were like you during their teenage.

We were also vulnerable, restless; demanding respect and love.

And obviously we were prone to more mistakes.

And we don’t consider that while judging you.

A person barely gets old with age but faster with denial of changes happening around!

Maybe people like us, at this age, are so much pressed under the problems of daily lives, we forget to love.

We have responsibility for lot more than ourselves.

We take ourselves way serious than we are.

And there is the problem of this ego and commanding respect even if we are wrong.

We are certainly a big old person but with an ego like that of a 9 year old child.

We become stubborn and too much demanding.

Day by day we are alienated from our own children.

We try to live our desire and ideals through our children and we fail.

I ask this question a lot of times to myself.

I lament my sagging skin and growing hairs; every here and there!

Ha! Ha!

Why do I have to grow old?

Me?

And why just me?

I want to grow younger every day.

That has been my desire.

Anyway, I have to accept this inevitability.

Growing young every day is not possible!

And a lot of people like me; who finds solace in the past have nowhere to go.

This old age sucks me every day.

I have not been able to come in terms with it.

Actually most of us are irritated by the notion of Love because it gives them freedom and cost our hold over them.

We don’t want to feel free.

We don’t want them to feel free.

Why we should?

We want control.

We want you to fall in our command and way of life again and again.

We are stubborn and you young ones are freedom seeker.

There is no match in our relationships.

You will certainly dislike us!

And condemn us!

But fuck everything.

We have the resource on hold and a commanded through seniority.

We try to chew this seniority time and again.

This society has conferred this privilege to us!

We absolutely overuse this seniority.

This is also one of the important reasons for conflict between the younger and older generation.

Not many poor old men can enjoy this facility because they don’t have resource at their hold!

So, what will you do?

This is the question we ask every young around.

We always want to be SIR, the senior in respect.

A very small word of 3 fucking letters and we want the whole world to rally around our unbound desires.

Nonsense!

So we try to convince the small buns like you that love is a big lie and rare truth!

Ha! Ha!

,

,

And this is where we are mistaken.

Instead of getting affection we are emotionally separated from our own children.

And to fill this emotional vacuum, we hoard things, amass power, gamble and drink excessively.

And our children frustrated with our lives and relations with them choose a wrong person for any intimacy.

We are not there to support them but to disgrace their choices

They suffer throughout their life and we suffer until we die.

We did the same mistake in many ways and forms.

We didn’t thought it was important to ask something about love and life to Sunil.

We never tried to be his friend.

We never looked into the changes going in his life.

We had experienced similar emotional turmoil during the same period of our life.

We should have better understood him but we didn’t try.

We just boast Sunil as our sweet child!

We were so much indulged with ourselves that we lost our son!.

I think we should start to repair this society through whatever contribution we can give.

Otherwise more sons like Sunil Subedi or Kamal Chamling Rai will attempt on their own lives!

This is indeed a precious life.

Everyday is the beginning of something and probably new.

We have to start somewhere if we want to save lives.

But it should not be just about saving lives.

It need to be prospering life with genuine relationships and an attainable destinies.

We can begin it today.

And I think we will find some destiny to reach before we die.

Luckily I began my journey today through you Kamal!

And thank you for inspiring me.

I shared my problem and cared for your problem.

I think I pumped a little bit of desire and hope in you to celebrate this life.

Didn’t I?

This has officially been my first step.

Thank you!

Kamal we can save and prosper more lives!

You kids can do your bits!

You are a young man and you can pump life into people hearts!

Just do share and care!

Spend time with them!

Don’t leave them alone!

Let's not be critical about their choices!

If we can, let's support in their endeavour!

Let built an open forum to share their difficulties in life or any evil thought about suicide!

Let's built an awareness program for them and the whole society about the cause and consequences of suicide!

Let's pressurize the syllabus designer for school curriculum to keep awareness content and preventions about suicide!

Let's get the help of media, family and community to strengthen our aspirations!

Shouldn’t we?

Let's be hope and let's burn hope.

We will not have manuals and protocols to save life!

We will just have their problems and we have to act contextual-situational most of the times!

Our experience with the sufferings of life and wisdom derived from them would be the greatest aid at every step in this crusade!

Guys we can’t be late!

There are lives that need immediate attention and obviously your love and support!

Don’t let them miss this precious celebration!

Be quick to react!

Our prime goal should be – Help them be Happy!

When they are happy with themselves they will not need any potion or poison!

,

A life saved is a prayer fulfilled!

,

Can we team up guys?"

This lucky 7 group of boys and girls seems energized with Mr. Subedi's appeal. They want to belong to his purpose.

"Yes Sir!"

They are loud and cheerful.

By this time Kamal’s parents had arrived and also listening to his inspirations. They looked emotionally drained and guilty. But they are also excited about the aspirations of Mr. Subedi and their children's.

Otherwise a composed person, Mr. Rai, Senior seems emotionally vulnerable due to this crisis in his family.

"Kamal I and your mother are heartily sorry for what we didn’t do to you?

I hope you will forgive us!

We don’t want to lose you, anymore.

You are our hope and pride!

You are everything for us.

Please let us know anything you are displeased with.

Do what is best for you and we will support you!

Your happiness is our priority!

I know you never give up!

I am sure you will play cricket again!

We are always there to cheer you.

Love is a way of life and still not everything!

You can love me, I will love you!

We will try to plant it, promote it and let it be everywhere!

We will love those who need it and with dignity and respect!

We will share everything my son!

We will be friends and not competitors from this day until the end of our days!

We will laugh; any kind and types of laugh!

They will medicate our broken heart and cement our broken relationships!

We will celebrate; every steps towards life!

I pledge to you my son!

,

,

I personally want to get involved with Mr. Subedi's project!

I hope he will take me in the team.

I hope to work in the team of young people like you and under your leadership.

Subedi Sir, you have to lead us!

And we will follow these young hearts!"

Mr. Rai is willing to be friendlier in days to come. Mr. Subedi's aspirations and Mr. Rai intentions get a thunderous clap. Everyone is smiling.

The nursing-in-charge pleads everyone to maintain silence. She has crossed her index finger between her smiling lips.

...................................................................................................................................................................

You can interact with me at the following page :    https://www.facebook.com/classicejunkie

Or follow me at my twitter account: https://twitter.com/classicejunkie

My motto: One step ahead, everyday.