Relationships, Submissions - An excerpt from the Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows

An excerpt from the Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows

For Forward and Synopsis of the 'Khushi खुशी: In the Line of Sorrows' please go to the following links.

http://classicjunkie-media.blogspot.com/2018/01/forward-and-synopsis-khushi-in-line-of.html

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I know my writings won't be a literature unless I am able to erase or delete the 'I".

Writing is a journey without milestones and destination unknown but treasures abundant and magical!

'I am a little child looking for nothing but happiness.' - Aakash

"A women's heart is a pool of secret!"

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15

Relationships, Submissions

16^th October 1999

I don’t know, but this could be my last attendance on this log book prior the Sent- Up exam for SLC. I don’t confirm but I hope. Writing is my passion and I may slip into its ecstasy any moment. But I know, I need to occupy more of my precious time with the preparation for SLC.

Anyway I don’t promise anything!

My every attempt and anxiousness at this moment is very much focused to march beyond this Iron Gate. I have optimized my whole effort to achieve this goal. But even though I realize this constantly that SLC is not everything. It is just one of the milestones in my expedition into life.

There will be problems in every step ahead and I will devise solutions.

I have to move on.

I can't stop here.

I don’t know if this is the right time for change!?

I don’t know if this will provoke more crises in my life!?

I should hope for better but prepare for the worst!

Life has always been bitter for me and the friends in my circle; even the acquaintances. I don’t know why I always befriend victims who share the similar experiences with me. Is this called a destiny?

I am reliving the bad experiences of my life with every one of them and again and again.

 This should have been a Kick Ass time for the preparation but on the contrary every one of us has become so impatient. We have become less focused on preparation and more restless. My classmates seem running out of their track. They have entangled themselves in the irony of a tragedy; the turbulence of teenage. Is this fate awaiting every one of us?

Inevitable it seems.

I have become weary of such intrusive distractions.

But I know I have to move on.

I can't get trapped along with them.

I have some destinies to reach.

And I have to be there!

I have to be strong!

I have to pretend I am strong!

I am not one of them!

Oh! But!?

I know I am not exclusive and the time will not treat me as special.

This turbulence of once in a lifetime will swipe me.

When? How?

It could be today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

But I am not ready for it.

I am so confused.

All right!

I am at this age of confusion, contradictions and complexities.

There are rumours Bidhata Shrestha, barely 15 years old and one of my classmate is pregnant. There is a rumour; she had eloped with a 19 year old boy who belonged to a different ethnicity. The boy was sued on the charges of raping a minor and marrying an adolescent, who is legally not able to consent on marriages. She was brought back home, after two months legal battles with the family of the groom. She then attempted a suicide, hospitalized, where from she again ran with the same guy. She has not reported to school after the Tihar Vacation. Probably she won’t be appearing SLC this year.

Or who knows?

Last year a girl delivered her baby in the SLC exam center at Galkot, Baglung while appearing for the 1^st day paper. The baby girl she delivered was given the name, Pariksha Nepali Pun, having the middle name Nepali which was the paper that day. Here Pariksha, if not otherwise used as a name means exam in Nepali language.

Apart from these tidbits, which are frequent during every SLC exams there is a lot to worry about. Only 45 percent of the total students who appeared for the exam last year passed. A negative connotation has been attached with this exam. There is a sort of despair among the examinee. This exam was always presented as an unseen ghost in this country. Every year few many students who fail this exam are reported to have committed suicide.

Shishir Chaudhary who hails from Tikapur, Kailali has his own story to tell. He has not reported to school after Dashain vacation because his father Dhaniram Chaudhary, an ex-police constable on the way to home, was killed by the Maoist insurgents. He was accused of spying against the self proclaimed revolutionary. His younger brother, just 8 years old and who was accompanying his father straight from school, was also hit by a bullet in the thigh bone, femur. His right leg has been amputated because the infection had spread beyond regular treatment. He was rescued only the other day.

I have heard Shishir is not continuing his studies as he has to take care of his ailing mother who is said to be suffering from post traumatic disorder at the moment. She has been admitted to some governmental hospital in Nepalgunj particularly for the acute psychotic case. He is also responsible for the education et al. of his younger brother. Now he is the sole breadwinner for the family of 3, apart from a meager pension that his widowed mother is to receive. There are rumours that family of security forces, who die serving in the field would get a compensation of half a million around. Hope this is true and he continues his education the next year!

It’s really hard to survive in this world with some forms of physical or mental disabilities and without any socio economic backups. I have seen that!

Later, that black day, 8 Maoist militias were also killed around Tikapur, Kailali by the Unified Command of the security forces. I don’t know what lies in the faith of family members of these Maoist militia.

It’s hard to believe the number of people killed by any side of armed forces. It could have reached around 4 thousand, half the number of people killed by the Great Earthquake in 1936 in Nepal. Newspapers are flooded with the report of atrocities committed by both the sides around many affected parts of the country.

The killings are sensationalized in the front page news of dailies every day. Once about to be designated as “the Peace Zone Nepal” is now already 4 years into this bloody war. It’s the land where Gautam Buddha, the preacher of peace and the Lord Shiva, one who swallowed the strongest of poison to save the world, were born.

How can there be so much of insanity and hatred in this holy land?

How can people actually kill each other?

How can Nepal as a under developed country can concentrate on the physical, mental and spiritual development when there is so much violence in the country?

For sure children and women are the obvious victim. Every part of their lives are affected.

Why do people and countries go into wars?

They are greedy wanting to prove everything.

They are provoker, fighter and the sufferer at the end.

I pity on my countryman who are always contented with an outdated change. It is clear we won’t be able to inherit a healthy and prosperous country.

A land deserted with instabilities and no hope or possibilities,

Crippled would be in majorities,

Sociopath would be governing the system.

Nepal was always meant to be a land of peace and prosperity. But? I am just sixteen but can foresee my future when I am 31. Everything hope seems doomed.

Water,

Border

And conflict!

Where will I go?

I have nowhere else to go than this country.

Why it is that old man wage wars and young man die?

Change is what I must try!

There is no as such a good war. There will just be destruction and despair. Natural calamities cost you lives but manmade calamities also cost you the soul. The Civics teacher in grade 8 presented this nightmarish prospect of such wars.

Randomness has been part of our lives apart from the dirty politics of civil war in the country. Jeeban Hamal, one of my classmates from the last school I attended, has left school on the account of breakup with his girlfriend. Obviously there are many reasons that I am unaware of. He must have been by a lot of complexities. But what is the logic in deserting school?

He was last seen injecting some IV (intravenous) drugs somewhere near Baluwatar. And recently, I have heard that he has been admitted to a rehab center at Kapan.

People go through a lag phase in their relationships most probably because they deny the prospect of creativity. When relationships becomes more like "You eat rice or you don’t eat rice' obviously affection becomes sour. And no one likes to wander into out of date emotions.

No one likes to be served with stale affections?

Does anyone?

I think everybody should dig into the many variables of their lives. They should hypothesize a new relationships friendly equation. Then probably RHS would be equal to LHS. I mean, not just Right Hand Side equals to Left Hand Side but Relationships Holds Stability when Love Holds Stability.

Other similar question clicks into my mind time and again. Though boys and girls both go through breakups, why is it always boys who are not able to come out of this turmoil? Is it because of our Y chromosome that has lesser genetic materials than the X chromosome in girls? Obviously there are many other reasons too. But I can conclude being born as a girl is certainly a privilege.

What does he want to prove by getting into drugs?

Or why does he becomes dependent on substance rather than to explore a new relationship?

Why does he substitute his positive outlook about life and love with everyday despair?

Is it just evolutionary?

Should we suffer more before we are matured?

Should we prove our right to existence?

Is it just physiological?

Is it just mating rivalry?

Will he ever be able to pull himself out of that ditch of negativity?

How do girls shed their frustrations?

Are they equipped with healthy ways to cope breakups?

I don’t know but I think this is particular in Nepal or any other third world countries where women don’t have the privilege of being disengaged in life. How can majority of women in our societies emerge out from the relationships setbacks and be resettled in their life? Is this just because of their evolutionary biological advantage?

I remember Aunt Suntali once said to, ""A women heart is a pool of secret!"

Are they hiding their puzzle under the veil of their smile?

I don’t know; I am a man!

There is a real confusion about who the sufferer is and who the perpetrator is.

Or is it just a hoax that girls are gold diggers and betrayer?

Neither the Science nor the society has an absolute answer to any of these questions.

But I think it is all about survival.

If not, what?

And again, our health teacher Mr. Pangeni has a different explanation about the resiliency of women. The reproductive phase of a woman lasts for around 30 to 35 years (from age 12 to 45). The nature has just given them the ability to emit 300 - 400 ova / eggs which are capable of being fertilized to reproduce; unlike millions of sperm for men. The number of fertilizable eggs in female is more or less within a constant range since their birth. This might be the reason; women need more stability in their life. And because of this very reason they are even more prone to depression. They have to breed. They have to endure their pregnancy anyway.

Why I am so much into this existential crisis?

Am I pondering too much over it?

Has my ruminations been .too often and too loud?

I am barely 16,

Is this assessment way ahead of my time?

But there are many other questions which bother me quite often.

Why does a woman hold the hand of wrong man and suffer throughout the life?

A man who doesn’t love her or appreciates her presence and look she is irritatingly attached to him.

Was this lack of creativity in her approach?

Didn’t she have a better option?

Is it that men are quenched too early too often?

What is it that can lubricate a woman's affection and attention?

Has she always been an attention hungry?

Why does she love so much of drama before marriage?

Is this the reason her life is dramatically turbulent?

Does she enjoy such randomness?

Is it just the financial security and risk taking behaviour of a man?

Does she always desire stability in this resource scarce world?

What about taking responsibilities other than working?

Is it the stubbornness that overpowers the rationale of her sensitivity and intuition and she finally surrenders to a wrong person?

Does she enjoy submission?

Wow I have lately become the Charles Darwin into human affairs.

At least I am mastering inquiries about life.

Am I being irritatingly annoying?

I can't be so much occupied at this phase!

I should move on.

Everything is going to be all right Mij`ju.

Never panic!

This is what I feed my restless mind otherwise I don’t get justification for thinking too much, too often! Ha! Ha!

Our new housemaid Mrs. Nisha Kharal probably has some answers to this question. Beaten and deserted by her husband for a young second bride, she is the single mother with a daughter to care. Actually she had been called as the replacement to Aunt Suntali, who went back to her village after the death of her husband, Uncle Jhapat Bahadur Thapa.

She accepts the fact that she is a single mother because of her many emotional choices in her life! He was one of them. She was fresh, flirt, fool and dramatic. He was a poser and won her heart through many lies.  This is her Cinderella Story.

“He was a great manipulator.

My mother had warned me about him.

I always had an ego problem with my mother!

I always accused my mother for my father being an alcoholic and not being with us!

I was 16 or 17, a rebel and didn’t heed her words.

I was only child to my single mother.

Never had a chance for the company of any father figures!

I never knew what to expect from a man and what not too.

I was demanding, dramatic and intruding.

He was same as me.

I didn’t want any compromise, he didn’t want any.

Two weeks into marriage and we were fed up with each other.

When I was pregnant, he left me.

There was emotional vacuum inside me.

I always desired a father who could secure our lives, with whom I could be carefree and share my feelings.

I was so obsessed with the concept father.

I wanted him to be there for me!

When I was a child I called every adult person by the name Baba, my father.

Everyone girls should have a father standing by her side; who loves her unconditionally and secures her.

A father is more important for a girl like a mother important for boys!

They can warn you about difficulties in life!

They will teach you how to love!

That’s possible when you have a really good father or mother.

And that was the point where he started manipulating me, both emotionally and sexually.

I also tried to possess him like a father.

I wanted to possess him like my father; I was stubborn.

At first he behaved like a caretaker, a soul mate, a father figure.

And when he got me physically, he started behaving very differently.

I never wanted to hear what my mother said.

She was right – All men are same after marriage.

For a woman marriage is just a interchange of doors.

The grief remains the same.

Binisha our daughter hasn’t seen him yet.

She yearns for a father like me.

I tell her how he was and she weeps.

I won’t let her meet him.

He would take her away from me and manipulate her again like me.

He would want her to be their house maid, cook, cleaner, etc.

I won't let that happen.

I want a great future for Binisha.

I am trying to make that happen for her.

She should study unlike uneducated me and shouldn’t be manipulated for any reasons; whatsoever.

There is indeed a great life ahead for her.

It is not that I never got a fair choice in life.

I picked the wrong choice.

I had a lifetime of opportunity in my younger days!

To be particular I missed those opportunities in the race for proving my stubbornness.

A woman is a sensitive person and she exactly knows the love of her life.

Our intuitions are super.

There was a boy, I had a crush, I adored.

Wow, he liked me in return!

One day he approached me, a beautiful day!

It must have been somewhere around the month of February.

The spring was at its peak and there was a smell of celebration in the air.

You know how Falgun and Chaitra are in Nepal!?

Exactly the same!

You can see I am little less white.

That day I glowed just like a pink rose

I was happy, childlike, from the foundation of my soul.

I smiled throughout the day.

Every then and now I looked myself into the mirror.

I realized that day that I was beautiful.

Everybody thought I was mad!

They were true!

I was not a happy person.

And that was the only day in my life I had become so happy that they thought I was out of my mind.

I was abnormally blissful that day.

,

I was 13.

I had told you I was a stubborn child.

I pretended, I ignored him!

Like many other girls of my circle, I wanted more drama around me.

I wanted to prove him my importance.

But you know I was emotionally already a woman, inside a 13 year old girl.

There, I just acted cold to his advances.

I was very much sure and also very unsure about this alleged juvenile relationship.

I pretended so much that he started ignoring me.

Just like, the stubborn ignorant me wanting to prove and show him, held the hand of this man, the wrong man.

I have been suffering since then.

Maybe my husband is not a bad person.

Just that our necessities and rivalry are similar and our wavelength never matched.

I have even heard he has become responsible man with the woman he is living now!

Or maybe he is a tamed dog to her.

He could be suffering too.

I don’t know!

I DON’T KNOW!

But I don’t want to pretend anymore.

 To tell the truth, he was like a black cloud hovering over my life and once he was gone, I have been lesser unhappy.

He was not a good choice and has never been a happy choice for me!

Choices are not easier for women in our societies.

Either or not our choices won't be approved; they would be blemished.

I still tell everyone that I am a married woman.

Legally he hasn’t divorced me.

This mishap has already been 15 years by now.

But since then I am a changed woman.

I started thinking of that boy!

Don’t take me otherwise but whenever I am free I ruminate over his advances.

He has been the best person I have ever known.

But my first crush and second love came at the wrong time.

He! He!

Oh, he should have grown as a wonderful man by now!

I want to meet him before I die and thank him!

Thinking about him makes my day easier.

And obviously, he taught me the value of love and honesty required with it!

But would he accept the apology of a wretched woman?

He may not even recognize the wrinkled person I am.

This is the life that I have and it has to go.

I know it will find its destiny.

I can’t weep anymore.

I am not allowed.

I am a silly woman!

Everyone knows their problem is the toughest.

But they don’t ever acknowledge the problems of other.

Same with me!

I have become a lonely, irritating and selfish woman

But I have become stronger than before because of all the difficulties I faced in this life.

I am less vulnerable.

I can handle problem now without being too emotional.

I am sorry for a woman outside me; these years of difficulties gave birth to a man inside me!

It has become stronger day by day.

Ha! Ha!

A crippled fate of a single mother!

I have to work to feed her.

After she appears her SLC this year, like you, she would be coming to Kathmandu for her higher education!

But thanks to your family, especially Seema Didi; I am safe and financially secured working with you people.”

But at the end Nisha Didi, like a responsible married woman, fakes the purity of her feelings with a readymade declaration.

“I also love him!”

Wow!!

Ha! Ha!

Even Lord Shiva can't predict women.

Her story has all the elements of the "Great Expectations". I should have been the Charles Dickens of this society.

Who knows I may pen down her story some day!

So, are there any perfect answers to these turbulences in life? Certainly I would have prevented a lot of my friends from the inevitable turmoil of teenage if I had the answers.

I would have been the saviour and they would be blessed.

Love would have been the rosy freedom!

And hatred would have been a laughter riot.

Uff!

These fantasies for the thankless mankind!

I hope Sandesh soon invents the element 'Prem' for the Mendeleev’s Period Table. For sure it would be much easier to estimate the properties and attracting affinities of this paradox called Love/ Prem. The greatest problem and the greatest boon of this humanity would partly be solved if it could be predictable!

Hey Is`hwor , please help Sandesh to discover this element!

If my prayers are meet, I would offer you a packet of joints!

Ha! Ha!

APS

16^th October 1999

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Iron Gate  -  Earlier SLC was considered as the toughest exam of a student’s life in Nepal and so referred as Iron Gate.

Ti`har ( ltxf/ ) - It is the festival of lights in Nepal, sometimes also referred as Deepawali. This festival is exclusively meant to worship nature to avoid any sort of calamities as death and celebrate the love of brothers and sisters.

Da`shain (bz}+  ) - It is the most prioritized festival of Nepal. The rationale behind celebrating this festival is to acknowledge the importance of land, paddy and harvesting. Obviously the religious emblems were added in later centuries. It has also been referred as Durga Puja or Dusheera in other countries of South Asia. Usually celebrated for 15 days, many incarnations or goddess Durga is worshipped in the former 10 days, the remaining 5 days would be festivities and Teeka with blessings from elder and respected people.

Fal`gun and Chai`tra are the two end months in Bikram Sambat Calendar, which coincide with the spring season in Nepal. This is a period between February to April.

Pre`m (k|]d) - The purest form of Love.

Hey Iss`shwor (x] O{Zj/  ) - Hey God! O God!